⚠️ SNARKY LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This is satire. This is rage. This is George Carlin channeled through the sewer pipe of American fascism. If you’re looking for polite NPR commentary, change the channel. This is for people who know the smell of bullshit when it’s smeared across the Constitution.

You hear that sound?

That’s not liberty ringing. That’s ICE jackboots stomping on necks while the brass section plays Stars and Stripes Forever in a minor fucking key.

Let’s take a stroll through their Hall of Shame, shall we?

Exhibit A: Kilmar Abrego García.

Guy gets wrongfully deported to El Salvador. Tortured in one of their hell-prisons. Court orders him back. ICE brings him home. Then what do they do? They fucking detain him again—and try to deport him to Uganda. UGANDA. A country he’s never set foot in. They’re literally spinning a globe, throwing a dart, and saying “Fuck it, that’s home now.” That’s not law enforcement, that’s kidnap roulette.

Exhibit B: Mario Guevara.

A journalist. Legal status. Not sneaking in, not hiding out. He covers a protest in Georgia. Next thing you know, ICE slaps the cuffs on him. His crime? Not murder. Not smuggling. Journalism. Yeah, apparently a press badge is now “reasonable suspicion” if you’re brown and holding a camera.

Exhibit C: Tae Heung “Will” Kim.

Ph.D. student. Vaccine researcher. LEGAL resident. Gets detained at SFO, stuck in a chair for a week like he’s waiting for a Spirit Airlines boarding group that never comes. Why? A decades-old minor weed charge. Weed. A plant you can buy from a vending machine in half the country. You think they’re stopping Norwegian tourists for the same shit? Fuck no. They’re busy tormenting the ones with names they can’t pronounce.

And here’s the kicker: 70% of ICE detainees have no criminal convictions. None. Zip. Nada. Some of them got picked up for driving without a license. Some for jaywalking. Some because an agent decided they “looked illegal.” And one U.S. citizen got dragged in because his Real ID “looked fake.” Turns out the fake ID was… the actual government ID. Oops.

This isn’t about safety. This isn’t about the “worst of the worst.” This is a fucking terror campaign. It’s state-run ethnic cleansing dressed up as “law and order.”

And let’s not forget—these are the same pricks who’ll barge into your home at midnight in ski masks, scream “We’re cops!” with no lights, no sirens, no warrants, then blast bullets through the door. That’s not law enforcement. That’s gang activity with a federal budget.

And the politicians? They love it. They’re jerking off to it. “Good moral character,” they say, as if they’ve ever had a whiff of it themselves. They’ll deport a father of two for a DUI from a decade ago, but they’ll let Trump grift billions with a smile. They’ll cage a scientist for a weed charge but give ExxonMobil a pollution pass.

This is what happens when your government swaps out justice for vengeance. When the brown faces in line at the bus stop become “enemy aliens.” When the Constitution becomes toilet paper in Stephen Miller’s bathroom.

So what’s the moral here, folks?

ICE doesn’t stand for Immigration and Customs Enforcement anymore. It stands for Intimidate, Cage, Expel.

And if you think they’re going to stop with immigrants, think again. They’re building the machinery of authoritarianism right in front of us. Today it’s the guy at the bus stop. Tomorrow it’s the protester. Next week it’s you.

Because once you normalize the midnight knock, the ski masks, the cages, and the globe-dart deportations—guess what? Nobody’s safe.

FINAL THOUGHT:

This isn’t about keeping “illegals” out.

It’s about keeping power in.

And the minute we get numb to it—the minute we shrug and say “that’s just how it is”—that’s when the jackboots stop knocking.

Because they’re already inside the house.