Blog

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a satirical performance piece. If you’re offended, congratulations—you still have a functioning moral compass. If you’re not? Buckle up, cupcake, because this freight train of fury ain’t stopping for pearl clutchers, originalist apologists, or constitutional cosplay fetishists. The language is raw, the rage is real, and the facts are as sharp as a judge who actually read the fucking Constitution. Proceed if you dare.

So let me get this straight—again. Again....

SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER (CALM DOWN, LAWYERS):

The following rant is a work of political satire. It contains language that might upset fascists, liars, cowards, climate-deniers, budget-slashers, and anyone who thinks disaster victims should fill out a TPS report before receiving rescue. Any resemblance to actual assholes is purely intentional. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this. If satire lasts more than four hours, consult your conscience.

So lemme get this straight.

Texas gets...

Satirical Disclaimer: This is your irregularly scheduled reminder that if you think “Everyone Deserves To Read Books” is some kind of liberal conspiracy, you might be too fragile for both democracy and the Dewey Decimal System. Reader discretion is advised, as is therapy.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Supreme Court Justices stuck in the emotional development stage of a soggy saltine: Welcome to the latest installment of “Who Let These Clowns Into Robes?”—starring the constitutional...

Satirical advisory for the humor-impaired:

The following stage performance is brought to you by the Galactic Federation of "You’ve Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me." Any resemblance to actual government policy is entirely intentional and extremely unfortunate. Void where science is funded. Batteries for common sense not included. Please scream into the void responsibly.

So let me get this straight.

NASA—the place where actual rocket scientists used to work—has lost two thousand of its top minds....

SNARKY DISCLAIMER:

The following program is brought to you by the Ministry of Make-Believe Morality, sponsored by fragile egos, Fox News, and people who think truth, justice, and the American Way should come with a birth certificate and a wall. Viewer discretion advised. Especially if you’ve never met a metaphor.

So let me get this straight…

Superman—the flying Boy Scout in a blue bodysuit, the one who shoots lasers from his eyes and can juggle buildings—is now too controversial for MAGA...

SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER: The following transmission comes to you direct from the dusty annals of political theater, where bullshit is the official language and hypocrisy wears a red, white, and blue tie. This rant may contain trace elements of sarcasm, irony, exasperation, and concentrated democracy. Consult your conscience before proceeding.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury of the damned — welcome back to ‘What the Actual Fuck: America’s Greatest Shitshow.’ Tonight’s feature? The former host...

Warning: The following rant contains high doses of sarcasm, disbelief, and economic nausea. Not safe for markets, allies, or common sense.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Great American Ego Tour, starring Donald J. Trump as the Foreign Occupant of the United States—FOTUS! That’s right, folks, the man with all the subtlety of a toddler in a tiara and the diplomatic skills of a chainsaw on fire!

This week, the orange overlord decided America wasn’t isolating itself fast enough, so he...

Snarky Disclaimer:

This rant is brought to you by the number 111 and the letter F, as in Flooded, FEMA-forsaken, and Fucked. May contain offensive language, hard truths, and old men shouting at government clouds. If you’re allergic to accountability or facts, turn back now and consult your local Fox affiliate.

You know, every once in a while, something happens that is so grotesquely, stupidly tragic, it peels the fucking paint off the facade. Texas just got hammered by a flood so deadly it...

DISCLAIMER (Snark Level: Nuclear):

This broadcast contains adult language, uncomfortable truths, and the occasional congressional subpoena. If you're allergic to reality, the exit is clearly marked Denial.

All rise for the Honorable Judge Richard Leon, presiding over yet another episode of “What the Actual Fuck Is This Administration Doing Now?”

So picture this: You’re a country in Africa. You’ve got a community-led development project going—microloans, solar power, maybe even a damn fish farm....

[Satirical Content Advisory: The following is a George Carlin–style rant. It contains mockery, profanity, and an allergy to authoritarian bullshit. If you think compassion is weakness and fascism is “just being patriotic,” you’re gonna have a bad time.]

Let’s talk about Alligator Alcatraz.

Because nothing screams “land of the free” like sticking human beings in a swamp surrounded by snakes, gators, and the festering ego of Stephen Fucking Miller.

Yes, friends, we’re back in the Everglades—but...

Snarky Disclaimer:

This rant contains foul language, biting satire, and a deep, unflinching look at what happens when bureaucrats play bovine roulette and call it “science.” Viewer discretion is advised. Especially if you're a cow.

You know what’s fun? Knowing your tax dollars are hard at work… paying for flies to have sex.

No, really. The USDA has decided that the best way to protect American livestock from a flesh-eating parasite is to breed millions of sterile flies and drop them all over...

DISCLAMER:

This rant is brought to you by the Department of Flags and Feelings. Please surrender your rainbows, empathy, and decorative fonts at the door. Your emotional support poster is now a federal offense. George is back, and he’s got questions. Mainly: Are you people out of your goddamn minds?

Well well well, Idaho. You absolute unit of performative insecurity.

You’ve finally done it. You outlawed welcome.

Not fentanyl. Not school shootings. Not poverty.

You took one look at a sign that...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER:

The following rant is a satirical performance from a dead man who saw this shit coming decades ago. It’s legally protected, politically incorrect, and emotionally combustible. Side effects may include outrage, reflection, and the overwhelming urge to vote like the planet depends on it. Because it fucking does.

So let me get this straight.

Texas floods. I mean really floods—biblical-level, forty-days-and-forty-nights, Moses-on-a-jet-ski kind of floods. Kids dead. Families...

DISCLAIMER:

Warning: This rant contains high concentrations of bullshit detection, legal whiplash, and righteous profanity. Side effects may include spiking blood pressure, ironic laughter, and yelling “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” into the void. Not recommended for those who still believe “alternate electors” is a real job title. Consult your conscience before proceeding.

So let’s get this straight:

Kenneth Chesebro — the self-appointed architect of the “Fake Electors Scheme” — decided that...

DISCLAIMER:

This rant contains high doses of common sense, moderate profanity, and a trace of uncut rage. If you're allergic to logic or get hives at the thought of a bridge being built in under 25 years, consult your nearest libertarian.

You ever try to build something in America?

I don’t mean “start a business” or “launch an app” — I mean physically build a goddamn thing. A train. A wind farm. A school. A factory. A house. Hell, a chicken coop if you’re not zoned for “fowl adjacency.”

Well,...

(When you’re too antisemitic for Shakespeare class but not too antisemitic for the White House)

SATIRE WARNING

The following rant contains sharp language, historical accuracy, religious slurs used by the president, and more hypocrisy than a televangelist’s bank statement. If you’re offended by the truth, close your eyes and pretend it’s still 1985. Everyone else, grab your popcorn and your barf bag—we’re going in.

So now we’re here. Again.

Again.

Another week, another antisemitic screed from...

(Because “plantation economics” didn’t test well with the base)

SATIRE WARNING

This rant contains heavy sarcasm, historical comparisons, and extremely uncomfortable truths. If you prefer your dystopia with a flag on it and no reading required, now’s your last chance to change the channel.

You know how sometimes you hear something so fucking evil, it sounds like it rolled straight out of a 19th-century plantation ledger?

Well, welcome to “owner responsibility.”

That’s the new immigration plan,...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER:

This rant is brought to you by the ghost of George Carlin, who reminds you that when fascists wrap themselves in flags, they tend to forget the part about funding public education. This one’s for the kids they left behind—and the parents they hung out to dry.

You know what’s really patriotic?

Cutting billions in school funding that Congress already approved.

Because nothing says “America First” like leaving your nation's children with fewer books, no after-school programs,...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH EXTRA DEMOCRACY!)

This is stand-up satire in a Carlin voice. If you think democracy can be stolen with 49%, disillusionment is optional—context is mandatory.

RANT: “RCV—The Democracy Kryptonite Republicans Fear”

So here’s what’s happening: New York City drops its mayoral primary under Ranked Choice Voting, and what do we get? Zohran Mamdani—the outsider, the socialist, the left-field challenger—leads with 44% after round one. Cuomo? He’s stuck at 36%, and bows...

Welcome to the One Big Screwed-Over Bill

(a.k.a. the One Big Beautiful Bill Act, if you’re a rich sociopath with tax-exempt yachts and a permanent tan line from your offshore accounts)

SATIRE WARNING

The following message contains brutal honesty, industrial-strength sarcasm, and enough political bile to make your local senator weep into their lobbyist-funded bourbon.

This is your last stop before the Truth Train rolls over your 401(k), your public library, and your kid’s school lunch.

...