⚠️ SATIRE WARNING: This ain’t a civics lesson—it’s a George Carlin–style rant.

That means sarcasm, swearing, and a total lack of reverence for tyrants in red ties. If you think gerrymandering is a patriotic pastime and censuses should come with purity tests, this is gonna sting like a truth enema. Everyone else? Buckle the fuck in.

You ever watch someone cheat at Monopoly, get caught, and then set the board on fire?

That’s the modern Republican Party.

We are way past “rig the rules.”

We are at “if we can’t win, we’ll rewrite the damn game manual, arrest the other players, and call the fire department to hose down the evidence.”

Let’s talk about Mike Flood—Nebraska congressman, MAGA footstool, and recently booed so hard at a town hall he should’ve gone home and cried into his corn subsidies.

But did he flinch?

Did he backpedal, apologize, try to win back voters?

Hell no.

He stood there with a smirk like democracy was just a light suggestion.

Because when your district can be redrawn at will by your own party, you don’t need voters.

You need cartographers with political knives.

📉 “But Trump’s Poll Numbers Are Bad!”

Who cares?

Reality doesn’t matter anymore.

Trump says he won 2020. He didn’t.

Says he’s got 71% approval. He doesn’t.

Says the jobs report is fake. It’s not.

But here’s the thing: when you control the rules, you don’t need truth.

You need a microphone, a mob, and a mapmaker with no soul.

And that’s exactly what they’re building.

🗺️ “The Census Coup Is the Smoking Blueprint”

Trump’s already ordered the Commerce Department to start a new Census—because if the real one doesn’t give you the power you want, just make up a new one!

This one excludes undocumented immigrants—because nothing screams “constitutional democracy” like pretending entire communities don’t exist.

And once you erase the people?

You erase the seats.

You gut blue states.

You inflate red ones.

And suddenly, the Electoral College looks a lot like a Confederate participation trophy.

✂️ “Gerrymandering? Please. They’re Map-Assassins Now.”

Texas is already carving out five extra Republican seats like they’re prepping for Thanksgiving.

Florida’s ready to follow.

Nebraska’s watching from the wings like, “Yo, can we slice Omaha into six pieces and staple it to Wyoming?”

And what happens if Democrats walk out to block it?

The governor sends the cops.

The attorney general calls it illegal.

The vigilantes call in bomb threats.

All because a quorum is now considered an act of rebellion.

🚨 “Meanwhile, in Authoritarian Fantasyland…”

 You think that’s bad?

Let’s check today’s highlights:

• Three Democratic lawmakers were ICE-locked in a room.
  •  Not a metaphor. Not a meme.
•  A masked ICE agent literally detained sitting members of Congress.
• One Democrat was assassinated.
• The DOJ has opened an investigation into Barack Obama for allegedly tampering with the 2016 election.
  •  Yes, that 2016 election.
  •  The one he won eight years earlier.
  •  Because apparently time travel is now a felony if you're a Black president.
• Trump already ordered a short-lived military occupation of Los Angeles.
  •  You know, for funsies.

💉 “Let Them Eat Tariffs. And Die Quietly.”

 And if you’re thinking, “Well at least I’ve got my voice, my vote, and my health”—no you fucking don’t.

• They killed the mRNA vaccine pipeline.
•  That’s right. RFK Jr. just pulled the plug on HIV, cancer, and pandemic defenses—because apparently scientific literacy is a liberal conspiracy.
• Tariffs are sky-high, food prices are climbing like they’re auditioning for American Ninja Warrior, and job losses are sweeping the country like a biblical plague.

But try protesting that?

You get arrested. Or erased. Or redistricted out of existence.

🧹 “Clean Up on Article I”

Oh, and just for shits and giggles?

Parts of the actual U.S. Constitution went missing from the Library of Congress website.

Not like, obscure clauses.

No—the parts that say Congress controls spending, can’t take bribes, and that habeas corpus is a thing.

Oops! “Coding error.”

Sure. And I’m the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moonwalking in a NASCAR jumpsuit.

🧠 “But What About the Rational Republicans?”

 They exist!

Mostly in blue states, where cheating isn’t an option.

Mike Lawler from New York?

He’s against Texas’s gerrymandering plan.

Why?

Because his district would crucify him.

That’s not bravery.

That’s survival.

And it proves the point: The only Republicans acting like democrats are the ones who can’t rig the game.

💣 FINAL THOUGHT:

 This isn’t about elections anymore.

It’s about eliminating the idea that elections mean anything.

When your party’s survival depends on redrawing maps, deleting voters, threatening lawmakers, and faking the Census?

You’re not running a country. You’re managing a cult.

And this cult doesn’t want power.

It wants total control.

Votes optional.

Constitution negotiable.

Freedom conditional.

So yeah—

The GOP’s new motto isn’t “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

 It’s: “Win or we burn it all down.  And guess who’s paying for the gas?”

Mic dropped.

Map shredded.

Democracy’s on life support—

And they’re charging us extra for the oxygen.