⚠️ SATIRE ALERT: This is a George Carlin–style rant.

That means sarcasm, swearing, and zero tolerance for bullshit. If you think vaccines are a conspiracy, buckle up—this one’s got your name on it, misspelled on purpose.

So let me get this straight.

We finally invent the science to punch HIV in the dick, blindside cancer, outmaneuver COVID, and maybe—just maybe—prevent the next pandemic from eating our lungs with a spoon…

And Robert Fucking Kennedy Jr. looks at that miracle of modern science and says: “Nah. Too risky.”

Too risky, he says.

Risky compared to what, Bobby?

Your polio-scented childhood flashbacks? Your conspiracy TikTok playlist?

The man canceled HALF A BILLION DOLLARS in mRNA vaccine development—because apparently his science degree came from refrigerator magnets and horse paste memes.

You know what this is?

This is a medical guillotine. With your neck in it.

We were this close to:

• An HIV vaccine with real efficacy.
• Cancer vaccines that actually worked with your body instead of carpet bombing it.
• Next-gen bird flu countermeasures.
• And rapid-response systems for the next bug to crawl out of hell.

Instead, RFK Jr. walked into the Health Department with a baseball bat and started swinging at anything that had the word RNA in it.

Because apparently, the real disease was science all along.

“mRNA Doesn’t Work!” says the guy with no degree, no data, and no goddamn clue.

He says mRNA vaccines “don’t stop upper respiratory infections.”

Yeah, and a seatbelt doesn’t stop car crashes—it stops you from becoming abstract art on the windshield.

He says vaccines cause mutations.

No, jackass, viruses mutate. That’s why your flu shot isn’t a one-and-done like a vasectomy.

And somehow, this walking expired bottle of colloidal silver has decided that decades of peer-reviewed research should be flushed so we can "pivot" to...what, exactly?

Crystals? Goat blood? RFK brand raw milk enemas?

And You Know Who Pays the Price?

Not RFK Jr.

He’s got private doctors, platinum plans, and enough money to be wrong in five dimensions.

You pay.

You, the cancer patient hoping for that Phase III miracle.

You, the person living with HIV, waiting for the clinical trial that’s now been “de-scoped.”

You, the unlucky bastard who’s gonna catch H5N1 in 2030 because we canceled the fucking vaccine to score political points with anti-vax goblins on Telegram.

“Don’t Worry, Cancer Still Kills Equally”

But hey, they said oncology research wasn’t affected.

Yet.

Because once the zealots start slicing, they never stop.

Today it’s COVID.

Tomorrow it’s HIV.

Next week it’s cancer.

And before long you’re treating smallpox with essential oils and hope.

Because this isn’t policy. This is ideological arson.

They’re not regulating science.

They’re trying to kneecap it before it makes them look stupid.

 (Too late.)

The WHO Is Pissed. Scientists Are Screaming. RFK’s Still Vibing.

Even the World Health Organization said this was “unfortunate.”

Which is diplomatic-speak for “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

Researchers across the globe are watching America pull out of the future like it’s an awkward prom date.

You know what happens next?

The brain drain.

The talent goes elsewhere.

The breakthroughs go to countries that didn’t elect a man who thinks vaccines are made by lizard people and Big Pharma gremlins.

Final Diagnosis: We Had a Cure—Now We’ve Got a Cult

RFK Jr. didn’t defund mRNA research because it failed.

He did it because it succeeded—and scared the shit out of people who can’t spell “immunology.”

We weren’t afraid of the disease.

We were afraid of the solution.

So we shot the scientists.

Unplugged the labs.

And now we’re back to rubbing herbs on tumors and chanting freedom while we drown in our own mucus.

Congratulations, America.

You cured progress.

Mic drop.

Petri dish shattered.

Coffin nailed.