⚠️ SATIRE WARNING:

 This isn’t financial advice. This is George Carlin–style financial heresy—profanity, mockery, and a hard slap to anyone who thinks crypto in your 401(k) is a “freedom dividend.” If you’re ready to YOLO your retirement into a meme coin named after a dog, prepare to be roasted.

So the Felon of the United States—yes, that orange kleptocrat in a red tie—just decided your retirement savings should be a playground for every speculative fever dream that Wall Street and the crypto bros can dream up after three martinis and a bump in the boardroom.

401(k) plans used to have rules. Little things like “prudence,” “loyalty,” and “don’t dump people’s life savings into volatile bullshit.”

Well, fuck that—now we’re opening the floodgates to private equity, real estate schemes, and cryptocurrency. Because nothing says “secure retirement” like putting grandma’s nest egg into Dogecoin derivatives.

📉 “But Crypto’s the Future!”

Yeah, so is death. And both can come faster than you think.

Crypto is the most volatile “asset class” on the planet. It can double overnight and then lose 80% before lunch because Elon Musk tweeted a picture of a raccoon.

A 401(k) is supposed to be boring. Safe. A slow-cooking stew of index funds and bonds.

Crypto is a Molotov cocktail made of pixel money and Reddit hype. You don’t put them in the same pot unless you want your golden years to be spent working the drive-thru at 82.

🏦 Who’s Licking Their Lips?

• Private Equity Parasites – BlackRock, Apollo, KKR—they’ve been circling your $12 trillion in retirement assets like vultures at a Vegas buffet.
• Crypto Hedge Fund Bros – The same geniuses who brought you FTX, rug pulls, and NFTs shaped like buttholes.
• Trump’s Donor Class – Every deregulation move is a love letter to the same people who bankroll his campaigns and bail out his bankruptcies.

They’re all about to package up high-fee garbage, slap “innovative” on the label, and shovel it straight into your retirement account—because now it’s legal, baby!

📜 The Fine Print You’ll Never Read

You think you’ll “choose” whether your 401(k) holds crypto? Cute. Employers and plan managers will decide for you—buried under “Alternative Asset Allocation” on page 62 of a PDF you never open.

And here’s the kicker: when it tanks, you eat the loss.

They still get their management fees whether Bitcoin goes to $200,000 or $2.

💸 Fees on Top of Fees

Crypto and private equity come with opaque, “trust us” fee structures that make payday loans look like charity. Lock-up periods mean you can’t cash out when things go bad.

Translation: you’ll watch your account burn while the guys running the fund cash a bonus big enough to buy a second yacht.

🧠 Why This Is Genius—If You’re Evil

Trump just turned your 401(k) into a liquidity pool for the kleptocracy. Wall Street gets to siphon your money into high-risk gambling, crypto whales get new suckers to pump their coins, and the administration gets bragging rights about “freeing your retirement from bureaucratic shackles.”

It’s deregulation cosplay with your life savings as the prop.

💣 FINAL VERDICT

This isn’t about giving you “more investment options.”

It’s about giving the financial elite a direct straw into your retirement account so they can slurp up the last bit of middle-class wealth before the lights go out.

So yeah—crypto in your 401(k) is perfect…

If you’ve always dreamed of retiring in a cardboard box under a bridge, clutching your last USB wallet and wondering why the line at the soup kitchen accepts Bitcoin but not you.

Mic dropped.

Nest egg scrambled.

Welcome to retirement, MAGA style.