⚠️ SATIRE WARNING:

This is not an NBC primetime preview of the 2028 Olympics. This is a George Carlin–style rant, which means sarcasm, profanity, and zero respect for dictators who think the Olympic torch is a branding opportunity. If you came for “inspiring moments of unity,” you’re in the wrong stadium.

So here we are, folks—L.A. 2028. You thought the Olympics were going to be a celebration of sport, unity, and that weird techno music they play during medal ceremonies? Wrong.

The Felon of the United States has decided the Games aren’t just in his backyard—they’re his.

Trump signs an executive order, sets up a federal task force, and—surprise!—he’s the chair. Vice Chair? JD “I’ve Never Met a Boot I Won’t Lick” Vance. The Cabinet’s in on it too: Noem, Bondi, the whole peanut gallery.

They control visas, security, transportation, credentials. You want to sell churros on Olympic Boulevard? Better pass a loyalty test.

🪖 “Security” or Martial Law Lite?

He’s already hinting about using the National Guard or active-duty troops. Because nothing says “Welcome, World!” like an M1 Abrams parked outside the gymnastics venue.

And remember—this is the same guy who sent troops into Los Angeles two months ago to smack down immigration protests. The precedent’s there. The tanks already have their parking spots picked out.

🧬 Purity Tests, Literally

Now we’ve got the USOPC bending over backwards to please the guy in the Oval Orifice:

• Banning transgender women athletes outright.
• Whisper campaigns about bringing back discredited “genetic sex testing” for female Olympians—because authoritarian regimes love themselves a purity standard.

The Olympics used to be about who could run fastest, jump highest, swim farthest. Now it’s about who can pass the state-sanctioned chromosome inspection.

🛂 Visa Games for the Games

Want to come cheer from overseas? Good luck. Trump’s got new visa hoops: higher bonds, tighter vetting, and maybe outright bans depending on your country, your politics, or your melanin content.

Imagine training your whole life to see the Olympics live—and getting turned away because your passport triggers some algorithm labeled “Not White Enough to Wave a Flag Here.”

🏛 History’s Been Here Before

This isn’t new, it’s recycled.

• Berlin 1936: Hitler turned the Games into an Aryan photo shoot. Military precision. State propaganda. Oppression backstage.
• Moscow 1980: The Soviet Union’s victory lap, complete with security forces on every corner and dissenters in prison.
• Beijing 2008: Surveillance, protest “zones” that were never approved, activists “disappeared” before opening ceremonies.

L.A. 2028? Check, check, and check—with a side of reality-TV smirk and Twitter all-caps.

🏚 Local Costs, Federal Gains

The “No Olympics” folks in L.A. already know the drill:

• Displacement.
• Cost overruns.
• Federal overreach.

Except now it’s not just the IOC squeezing the city—it’s Washington, D.C., using the Games as a domestic propaganda set piece. Imagine Triumph of the Will meets The Apprentice, with better lighting and worse morals.

🥇 The Apolitical Myth Is Dead

The Olympic Charter says no politics. The history books laugh in its face. The 2028 Games are political from torch to closing ceremony. This isn’t “sport as diplomacy”—it’s “sport as propaganda.”

Trump isn’t even hiding it. He’s turning the Olympics into a campaign rally with synchronized swimming. He’ll have troops in the streets, genetic purity tests in the locker rooms, and ICE at the gates checking your voter registration before you can watch table tennis.

💣 FINAL VERDICT:

 We’ve gone from Citius, Altius, Fortius—Faster, Higher, Stronger—to:

Loyal, White, and Approved by the State.

The Games won’t unite the world—they’ll unite the boot with your neck.

So when you watch L.A. 2028, remember:

You’re not seeing the Olympics.

You’re seeing the Authoritarian World Championships, and America’s the host, the referee, and the only one allowed to win.

Mic dropped.

Torch extinguished.

Democracy benched for “unsportsmanlike conduct.”