⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 If you think elections are only “rigged” when your guy loses, if you believe Sharpies are secure but scanners are suspect, or if your idea of democracy involves screaming at voting machines until Fox News pays another settlement—sit down. The rest of you? Time to talk about the toddler-in-chief trying to ban the toys he keeps losing with.

Trump’s at it again. This morning’s post: Ban the machines! Not the slot machines, not the claw machines at Chuck E. Cheese—no, the voting machines. Because in his mind, every election is a casino he’s destined to lose, and the only way out is to torch the house.

Here’s the con: He lost in 2020. He knows it. The courts know it. Hell, even the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency—HIS OWN PEOPLE—said it was the most secure election in American history. So how do you keep the “stolen election” cult alive five years later? Easy. You keep moving the goalposts until they’re stapled to the parking lot.

First, it was the mail-in ballots. Too easy to cheat, he said. Then it was the drop boxes. Too stuffed with “mystery votes.” Then it was dead people voting. (Spoiler: the only dead folks voting were his arguments, over and over.) Now it’s the machines. “They can’t be trusted!” Except… they can. They’re audited. They’re backed up with paper. They’ve been proven reliable in red states, blue states, purple states—and the only fraud we’ve seen was Trump and his cronies pretending otherwise.

But banning them isn’t about security. It’s about control. Hand-counting 150 million ballots? That’s chaos. That’s three years of recounts, screaming matches, and “oops we lost that box.” And chaos, my friends, is the fertilizer this man’s lies grow in. The longer it takes to count, the easier it is to scream “fraud!” on loop until his followers start sharpening pitchforks.

And let’s not forget: banning machines screws the disabled, the elderly, the folks who need accessible voting systems by law. Does he care? Hell no. The only “access” he cares about is his access to power.

Meanwhile, Dominion has already bled Newsmax and Fox dry in billion-dollar settlements. Courts laughed Sidney Powell out of the room. But Trump? He doubles down. Because for him, it’s not about truth—it’s about merch. He’s already selling “Ban the Machines” hats, bumper stickers, probably gold-plated staplers by Christmas.

And in the background? The cult eats it up. Because if you keep them convinced the system is broken, they’ll stop trusting any result but his. That’s the whole scam. “Stop the Steal” was never about 2020—it’s about every election from now on.

So let’s be clear: it’s not the machines that are busted. It’s not the ballots. It’s not the process.

It’s the man. The same man who’s been caught cheating at golf, lying in court, and filing bankruptcy like it’s a hobby. If Monopoly had machines, he’d ban those too.

And here’s the punchline: America’s not being hacked by China, Venezuela, or Dominion. It’s being hacked by a 79-year-old felon in a golf cart who can’t stand losing fair and square.