⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER: This rant is certified 100% Carlin-esque, GMO-free, gluten-packed, and guaranteed to piss off billionaires who think a “subscription model” is the same thing as an economy. If you think ownership is overrated and landlords are just misunderstood philanthropists, strap in. This one’s for you.

So, Volkswagen’s got a new trick.

You buy a car. You pay full price. You sign papers, shake hands, drive it off the lot—and guess what? You don’t actually own the horsepower. Nope. That’s a feature. That’s a service. That’s a subscription.

Two hundred horses under the hood? You only get 201 unless you fork over $20 a month. They put the damn horses in the barn, then padlock the stall until you slide your credit card under the door.

And people say, “Oh, it’s just a car thing.” No, it’s not. It’s the billionaire class running the same con on every square inch of your life.

They don’t want you to own. They want you to rent. Everything. Forever.

Your house? Mortgage is just rent with paperwork. Miss a payment? Bank owns it. But at least you have a chance, after 30 years, to own something. That's getting rare.

Your phone? You lease it from Apple until the next one drops.

Your apps? Subscriptions.

Your music? Subscriptions.

Your movies? Subscriptions.

Now? Your goddamn car.

It’s not capitalism. It’s feudalism with Wi-Fi. They’re the lords, you’re the serf, and instead of crops, you pay in monthly autopay deductions.

And here’s the kicker—once you don’t own anything, you’ve got no power. No leverage. When you’re just a renter in every corner of life, they can jack up the rent, cut the features, repossess your stuff, flip a switch and turn off the horsepower, the heat, the lights, the Wi-Fi.

Ownership is freedom. Renting is control.

That’s the plan. Make you a renter from your roof down to your brake horsepower. So you never get the wheel. You just ride along, month to month, praying the algorithm doesn’t decide you’ve been downgraded.

And one day, you’ll wake up, the car won’t start, the fridge won’t cool, the door won’t open, and the landlord in the sky says: “We regret to inform you, your subscription has expired.”

Welcome to the future. Pay-per-view freedom. Rent-to-own existence. Microtransactions for life.

But hey—at least the Wi-Fi will hold.

Because you’ll need it…to pay next month’s bill.