⚠️ SNARKY LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This rant is satire, parody, and pure George Carlin energy. It’s political commentary dipped in acid and flung at the walls of hypocrisy. If you think “justice” under Donald Trump is fair, balanced, or even fucking coherent—strap in. Everyone else: keep your hands and feet inside the outrage rollercoaster until the ride has come to a full stop.

So here we are, kids. The MAGA Ministry of Justice is open for business, and Lady Justice didn’t just take off the blindfold—she’s twerking on Rupert Murdoch’s lap while Jeanine Pirro pours her a third martini.

In Washington, D.C., Pirro’s marching orders are simple: everybody gets charged, maximum penalty, no exceptions. You spit on the sidewalk? Felony assault on federal infrastructure. You jaywalk? Domestic terrorism. You piss in an alley? Congratulations, you’re an enemy combatant. The woman has taken “law and order” and cranked it to fascist karaoke night.

Except—wait for it—if you’re walking around with a shotgun or rifle. Then suddenly it’s, “Oh no, officer, don’t touch him, that’s his God-given right.” So grandma’s grandkid gets the book thrown at him for skateboarding, but Cletus with the AR-15? Free pass. Guns are holy, people aren’t. Welcome to American Taliban Justice.

Meanwhile, let’s stroll down memory lane to January 6th. Thousands of violent dipshits beat cops with Blue Lives Matter flags, smeared shit on the Capitol walls, and tried to hang the Vice President. What does Trump do? Pardons them. All of them. Nearly 1,500 “patriots” get the get-out-of-jail-free card. The Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers, the cosplay militia cosplaying as revolutionaries—they’re all back on the streets polishing their guns and planning the next field trip.

And he didn’t stop there. He ordered pending cases dismissed. Dismissed! Judges and prosecutors spent years building cases, families of cops had to bury their dead, and Trump waltzed in like some golden-toilet Godfather saying, “Nah, they’re with me.”

So here’s the two-tiered system:

• If you’re poor, Black, Brown, homeless, or unlucky in D.C.? You’re fucked. Pirro will paper you, charge you, and bury you in so many indictments your great-grandkids will still be on probation.
• If you’re MAGA? If you’re part of the cult? If you stormed the Capitol with zip ties and bear spray? Congratulations—you’re “a brave patriot,” and you get pardoned, praised, and maybe even a book deal.

This isn’t justice. This is selective prosecution in a red hat. This is “fuck you” politics with handcuffs for the many and golden parachutes for the few.

Let’s call it what it is: variable justice. Justice that bends, flexes, and outright breaks depending on your loyalty to a bloated felon playing dress-up as president. Justice where a traffic stop gets you deported, but insurrection gets you pardoned. Justice where Jeanine Pirro screams “law and order” into a microphone while chugging Chardonnay and shredding the Constitution on live TV.

And the worst part? They’re not even hiding it. Trump brags about trying to free Tina Peters—an election-denying felon who broke into voting machines. He brags about pardoning the Capitol mob. He brags about “harsh measures” if states don’t bend the knee.

Justice isn’t blind anymore. Justice is drunk, belligerent, and carrying a Trump 2028 banner.

Final Thought:

When the system starts punishing you for existing and rewarding others for dismantling democracy, it’s not justice. It’s tyranny with a side of Chardonnay and spray tan. And if we don’t call it out, fight it, and fucking stop it—don’t be surprised when your jaywalking ticket comes with a life sentence and a bill for the handcuffs.

Mic drop. Gavel drop. Democracy drop.