⚠️ SATIRE ALERT: Carlin-style rant incoming.

Warning: Contains politically charged sarcasm, profanity, and unapologetic truth. If you're allergic to common sense or think semiconductors are a breakfast cereal, this might sting.

Oh look. It’s another episode of “Donald Trump Plays CEO of Everything.”

Today’s victim? Intel.

Today’s crime? Hiring a guy who knows how global business works.

So here’s the plot twist of the week:

President Trump—yes, still somehow the guy with the nuclear codes—just told Intel’s new CEO, Lip-Bu Tan, to resign. Immediately. No trial. No hearing. No facts.

Just vibes. Paranoid, jingoistic, tech-bro-with-a-grudge vibes.

Because gasp—Tan has investments in Chinese companies.

Oh no! You mean the tech executive in charge of a global semiconductor company has ties to the country that manufactures half the goddamn planet’s chips?

Shocking. Unacceptable. Fire him, burn the factory, and throw a tariff on the ashes.

Let’s unpack the stupidity with the care of an airport baggage handler:

🔹 Lip-Bu Tan is a global tech veteran, one of the few people who actually understands chip supply chains, quantum computing, and how to not fall behind Taiwan by 40 years.

🔹 He was brought in to stabilize Intel, a company that’s been doing the corporate equivalent of screaming into its motherboard for the past decade.

🔹 And yes, he’s invested in Chinese companies. So has every major U.S. tech fund, retirement account, and billionaire portfolio on the fucking planet.

Why? Because that’s where the fabs are.

But sure, let’s go full red-scare because Senator Tom “Wears His Spine Like a Scarf” Cotton sent a letter full of accusations straight from the 1950s.

And then here comes Trump, crashing through the data center like a Kool-Aid Man in a MAGA hat, yelling: “The CEO is CONFLICTED. Must resign immediately!”

No evidence. No due process. Just caps lock nationalism with a side of economic brain fog.

And the markets? Oh, they noticed.

Intel’s stock immediately dropped.

Because investors heard “Trump is making policy decisions with his thumbs again” and reacted the way any sane person would: They ran.

Meanwhile, Republicans line up like malfunctioning Roombas:

• Rick Scott: “Intel should return every dime!”
  •  (Rick, sweetie, that’s not how grants OR logic works.)
• Tom Cotton: “He has ties to the PLA!”
  •  (As does the iPhone in your damn pocket, Senator.)
• Bernie Moreno: “Fraud! Investigation! Tar and feathers!”
  •  (Congratulations, Bernie. You’ve confused executive appointments with seditious conspiracy. Again.)

Let’s not forget—Intel took CHIPS Act money to build plants in the U.S., which they are still doing, despite being run by a guy whose crime is understanding the industry better than a screaming populist with a grudge against semiconductors and the letter "J."

This isn’t national security.

It’s techno-McCarthyism in a red tie.

It’s “America First” taken to the logical extreme where we fire competence in favor of comfort food politics.

Because if it’s complicated?

If it involves nuance, spreadsheets, global trade dynamics, and not screaming “CHINA BAD” into a pillow?

They don’t want it.

They want a boogeyman, and they want him scalped at the shareholder meeting.

And the real kicker?

They’ll torch the entire U.S. tech recovery if it wins them one more Fox News chyron.

Doesn’t matter if your laptop costs $9,000 next year—at least it won’t be infected with COMMUNISM, right?

So yeah—Trump wants Tan out.

And if we let him keep making up the rules on the fly?

We’ll all be running Windows 3.1 on a potato, saluting a flag stitched out of old QAnon memes.

Good job, America.

You finally made planned obsolescence a political strategy.

Mic drop.

Mind fried.

Chips... still not made in the U.S.