⚠️ SATIRE ALERT: This is not a balanced trade analysis.

It’s a George Carlin–style roast of America’s latest economic self-immolation. If you think tariffs are magic patriot taxes that punish foreigners while you sip domestic beer and watch the Dow rise, prepare for disappointment—and profanity.

 Well folks, it’s official: we’re living in the world’s dumbest episode of Shark Tank, and Trade War Barbie just got her own spin-off.

Donald Trump has done it again.

New tariffs. Everywhere. On everything.

Because if your policies already cost people their jobs, their savings, and their sanity—why not tax the ever-loving hell out of everything that’s left?

📦 “Welcome to Liberation Day—Now Bend Over”

So we’re calling this round ‘Liberation Day’ tariffs.

Because nothing says “freedom” like a 50% tax on stuff you used to buy for half the price last week.

Imports from India? 50%.

Switzerland? 35%.

Brazil? 25%.

Japan and Korea? Slammed.

China? Oh baby, they’re getting the full tariff kamasutra.

And here’s the best part: these aren’t targeted tariffs.

No strategic nuance.

No precision.

Just a national game of “fuck your supply chain” played with a flamethrower.

🧻 “Because the Last Depression Was So Much Fun”

The average U.S. import tax is now 18.3%.

Let me repeat that in case you were using your ears to block out reality: Eighteen-point-fucking-three percent.

The last time it was that high, movies didn’t have sound and Hoover was still pretending everything was fine.

We are speedrunning the Smoot-Hawley Act with bonus racism and worse haircuts.

💸 “Economic Patriotism Means Paying $1,300 More to Exist”

 Here’s what those “America First” taxes get you:

• A projected $2.7 TRILLION in new revenue over the next decade
• Sounds great, right?

Yeah, until you realize the economic damage causes a $466 billion DROP in actual tax revenue.

It’s like torching your house to save money on air conditioning.

And meanwhile, every American household gets to pay an extra $1,300 a year for the privilege of waving a flag at a Walmart full of empty shelves.

💻 “Semiconductors or Sovereignty, Pick One”

 Oh, and Trump wants a 100% tariff on computer chips.

 You know, those little things that run:

• Your car
• Your phone
• Your insulin pump
• Your vibrator

“Build them here,” he says.

Sure. Because semiconductor fabs are easy to build, cheap to run, and only take 8 years to break ground.

 In the meantime, we’ll be bartering for processors like it’s Fallout: Silicon Valley.

✈️ “Bitcoin Miners Are Chartering Boeing 777s”

 Yes.

 This is real.

Bitcoin bros are now renting commercial jets—full cargo haulers—to smuggle hardware in before the tariffs hit.

This isn’t free market capitalism.

This is chaos capitalism with frequent flyer miles.

🛠️ “Hey, Remember Mexico and Canada? We Pissed Them Off Too”

 Oh yeah, remember USMCA? That cute little trade agreement we almost respected for five minutes?

Well now we’re banning steel, copper, and cars from Mexico and Canada unless they meet new MAGA purity standards.

Not 100%. Not 95%.

Eighty-five to ninety percent compliance.

Because nothing says "trustworthy trading partner" like moving the goalposts mid-game and screaming about betrayal.

📈 “But the Market’s Up!”

 Yeah, for five minutes.

Because Apple and Nvidia stocks ticked up on rumors of tariff waivers.

That’s where we are: the rumor of not setting your entire economy on fire is enough to spike the NASDAQ.

💣 MIC DROP

This isn’t trade policy.

This isn’t economic strategy.

This is a temper tantrum in the global marketplace.

We didn’t build walls—we built tariff towers to box ourselves in.

We didn’t win independence—we declared war on efficiency, reason, and the concept of math.

Congratulations, America.

You’re paying more, getting less, and smiling while they call it freedom.

This isn’t a trade war.

It’s a goddamn suicide pact with receipts.

And we’re all footing the bill.

Mic drop.

Port closed.

Wallet empty.