SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER:

 The following is a fictional stage rant in the voice of George Carlin. It’s mean, it’s sweary, and it’s unfair — because fairness is for people, and these bureaucratic barnacles are not people. They’re bad software running on hate hardware.

You ever notice how fascists hate “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion”?

They foam at the mouth about it. Say it’s un-American. But the minute they get a chance? They write their own version. It’s still DEI — only now it stands for Discrimination, Exclusion, and Injustice.

Look at this visa scam they’re cooking up. They’re gonna turn F-1 and J-1 student visas — which used to last the length of your degree — into little countdown timers. Tick, tick, tick. Every couple years, you gotta go crawling back to Homeland Security and say, “Please sir, may I finish my education?” Like Oliver Twist with a student ID.

And it’s not about security. Don’t give me that. Nobody’s getting radicalized halfway through Organic Chem. This is about keeping the leash short, the hoops high, and the bureaucracy slow. It’s about creating churn. The more they make you reapply, the more chances they have to “lose” your paperwork, “forget” your status, or “misplace” your career.

And then there’s the H-1B visas — the work permits for skilled professionals. Used to be a random lottery. Dumb? Yeah. But at least it was dumb in an equal opportunity way. Now they’re making it a “weighted system.” Weighted toward high wages. Fancy degrees. “Merit.” And in America, “merit” is code for: “rich people we already like.”

It’s DEI for fascists.

• Diversity of golf courses in your neighborhood.
• Equity for campaign donors.
• Inclusion in the holiday photo at Mar-a-Lago.

They’ll tell you it’s about “getting the best and brightest.” Sure. Best at having money. Brightest at kissing the right ass. And if you don’t fit the profile? Tough. Go home. Take your talent, your tuition, and your research with you.

And here’s the kicker — the same crowd that screams about “government overreach” suddenly LOVES paperwork if it means they can slow down the brown kid from Mumbai or the physics prodigy from Beijing. They hate red tape… unless they’re the ones holding the spool.

This isn’t about keeping America safe. It’s about keeping America exclusive. A gated community with nukes. You’re not invited unless you’re already wearing the sweater with the little horse on it.

And universities? They’re gonna bleed. International students pay full freight. We’re talking billions in lost tuition. Whole research departments will die. But the fascists don’t care — because universities are “woke.” And what’s the best way to fight “woke”?

Starve it. Close the labs. Shut down the programs. Burn the future to own the libs.

So here’s the new American welcome mat:

“Give us your rich, your fluent in English, your huddled masses yearning to golf. The rest of you? Get in line for the weighted lottery. If your resume sparkles and your wallet bulges, maybe we’ll call you. If not… try Canada.”