⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

The following rant is brought to you by the Ghost of George Carlin, the Spirit of the First Amendment, and the rapidly deteriorating concept of common sense. We’re not attacking Israel, Ukraine, or the American people—hell, we’re not even attacking the state of Alaska. We are going after the bloated, gold-plated stupidity of politicians who treat foreign policy like an episode of Celebrity Apprentice: Nuclear Edition. If you think this is about you personally… congratulations, you’ve already lost.

So here’s the latest: Donald “Two-Time Loser, Thirty-Four-Time Felon” Trump says he’s gonna meet Vladimir Putin… in Alaska.

Yeah. Alaska. Because nothing says “strong American leadership” like hosting a peace summit on U.S. soil Russia thinks it still owns.

And the topic? Ending the war in Ukraine. Without Ukraine in the room.

That’s right—no Zelenskyy. No Ukrainian delegation. Nobody to say, “Hey, that’s our land you’re talking about.” Just Trump, Putin, and whatever’s left of the catering budget after Donnie orders solid gold shrimp forks.

LAND SWAPS FOR FUN AND PROFIT

Trump’s already talking about “land swaps” like this is a Monopoly game and Putin’s just one good trade away from giving back Mariupol. Here’s a newsflash: when a war criminal asks for land, it’s not a swap. It’s theft with better lighting.

This isn’t diplomacy—it’s selling someone’s house while they’re still living in it, then calling it “an upgrade.”

THE WITKOFF SPECIAL: DIPLOMACY FOR DUMMIES

 Our guy in Moscow, Witkoff, came back saying Putin might consider pulling out of southern Ukraine. Oh really? And I might consider growing six inches and dating Margot Robbie.

Putin never intended to give up squat. Witkoff didn’t negotiate—he read Putin’s body language like it was a horoscope, because Witkoff doesn't speak Russian, didn't bring his own translator, and depended on Putin's good graces to understand what was being said.

PUTIN: WAR CRIMINAL, TOURIST

Let’s not forget—Putin’s wanted by the International Criminal Court for war crimes. Can’t set foot in Europe without risking arrest. But Alaska? Oh, Alaska’s perfect! Because the ICC can’t touch him there.

We’re not hosting a peace summit—we’re hosting a goddamn safe space for a genocidal maniac.

RUSSIA’S “ALASKA IS OURS” FAN CLUB

And here’s the kicker: there’s an actual movement in Russia that says Alaska was never sold, just leased. They think it’s still Russian territory.

Now imagine the propaganda bonanza when Putin steps off a plane in Anchorage. “Look, comrades! We have returned to the Motherland!”

Russian TV will run that footage on a loop while the U.S. State Department is still trying to find the bathroom.

THE KREMLIN SPIN MACHINE

Putin will spin this meeting like the West finally came crawling to him. Trump will brag about “historic progress” while giving away pieces of Ukraine like door prizes. And both of them will pose for photos that scream: “One of us is a ruthless dictator, the other is auditioning to be his pool boy.”

THE PROBLEMS IN ONE BREATH

No Ukraine at the table.

Negotiating land for peace like it’s a yard sale.

A war criminal getting VIP entry to the U.S.

Holding it in a place the other side claims to own.

Giving the Kremlin a propaganda jackpot.

This isn’t foreign policy—it’s a clearance sale on democracy, and everything must go.

If you wanted to actually end the war in Ukraine? You’d have Ukraine in the room. You’d hold it somewhere Putin can’t stroll in without cuffs. And you wouldn’t treat territory like it’s a casino chip you can toss to keep the other guy smiling.

But instead, we get this—Trump and Putin playing Let’s Make a Deal in a state Russia thinks is on layaway.

I’ve said it before: you can’t fix stupid. But you sure as hell can elect it. And we did. Twice.

MIC DROP.