SATIRE DISCLAIMER: This ain’t policy analysis, folks — this is stand-up with teeth. We’re not laughing with ‘em. We’re laughing at ‘em.

🎤 IMPORT TAX, EXPORT GRAFT: THE BILLIONAIRE TARIFF TOUR 🎤

(Brought to you by the Felon of the United States — because graft this good should have a residency in Vegas)

Alright, folks, let’s talk about tariffs. Yeah, tariffs. You know — that little trick where they tell you they’re stickin’ it to China, but somehow the bill keeps showing up in your mailbox.

Tariffs are like bad Tinder dates: they promise you dinner, and then you end up paying for the Uber home too.

Now, the big plan from the FOTUS is this:

• Step one — slap a fat tariff on imports. 50%, 100%, why not just round it up to a million?
• Step two — wait for the screaming from the countries you just kneecapped.
• Step three — oh, this is the good part — you say, ‘Well, maybe we can work somethin’ out… if you just do a lil’ somethin’ for my friends.’

And these ‘friends’ — oh, it’s not the steelworkers, not the farmers, not you, the poor schmuck buying overpriced sneakers.

Nope! It’s Chevron. It’s Starlink. It’s some outfit called OnePower in Lesotho. They’re getting five years of no taxes so they can build a shiny new grid. And if Lesotho says, ‘Uh, no thanks’? BAM — 50% tariff. That’s not trade policy, that’s Tony Soprano in a red tie.

Even the old-school U.S. trade negotiators — people who’ve been in the game thirty years — are saying, ‘This ain’t how it works.’ Which is diplomat-speak for ‘What the actual hell is this?’

And it’s not just Africa — oh no. In Israel, tariffs suddenly become ‘Keep Chevron happy in the gas fields’ and ‘Kick out the Chinese from the Haifa port.’

In Cambodia, it’s ‘Hey, no Chinese navy near your base’ — and oh, by the way, you ever heard of this guy Elon Musk? He’s got satellites. Wouldn’t you like some?

And all this is sold to you as national security. Yeah, sure. National security for billionaires.

It’s amazing — in this version of America, your national security depends on Chevron making record profits and Elon launching satellites faster than your rent goes up.

This isn’t a trade war, folks. This is a toll road.

You pay going in, they cash out going out, and you’re still stuck in traffic.

But hey — it’s a beautiful toll road. Gold-plated gates, velvet ropes, valet parking for the billionaires.

They call it strategy.

I call it theft — with a paperwork trail.