⚠️ SNARKY LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire, obscenity, and outrage. If you think the president has the legal right to turn the nation’s capital into his personal garrison town, you probably also think the Bill of Rights is just a Chinese takeout menu. This ain’t a policy brief—it’s George Carlin–style stage fire.

So here it is, folks: Washington, D.C. just became Trump’s dress rehearsal for martial law.

He signs an executive order, puts Pete Hegseth—Fox News’s favorite barstool warrior—on the trigger, and suddenly the D.C. National Guard isn’t the guard anymore. It’s the fucking Praetorian Guard. A hand-picked “specialized unit” deputized to enforce federal law on civilians. Let that sink in.

And under Title 32? Oh, baby, it’s perfect. The states still “control” their Guard on paper, but the feds pick up the check. Translation? No pesky Posse Comitatus protections. No constitutional speed bump. Just taxpayer-funded brownshirts with a license to crack skulls.

And here’s the kicker: this isn’t some one-off. This is the model. D.C. was the test balloon, the pilot episode. Next up: Chicago. Then New York. Then who the hell knows. Nineteen states are already targeted, with National Guard units being trained, equipped, and “ready for rapid deployment.” That’s not law enforcement. That’s fortifying the red-state perimeter. That’s planting tripwires in the “friendly” states and daring the rest of the country to step out of line.

You know what this looks like? It looks like a fortress. A slow-motion coup wrapped in Kevlar and camo. D.C. isn’t a city anymore—it’s a warning shot. “Step out of line, America, and you’ll get the same treatment.”

And then, because Trump can’t resist huffing his own authoritarian fumes, he floats renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War. WAR. Like he’s auditioning for fucking Mussolini on ice. “We don’t just want defense—we want offense too.” Jesus Christ, Donnie, it’s not a football game. It’s the goddamn government.

And of course, Stephen Miller—ghoul in residence—says the people are “overflowing with gratitude.” Yeah, sure, Stevie. D.C. residents are just thrilled about losing their cops, their autonomy, and their rights in the name of your fever-dream cosplay dictatorship. Polls say otherwise, but who needs polls when you’ve got armed patrols?

Here’s the truth: This isn’t about crime. This isn’t about safety. This is about building an army that answers to one man. It’s about turning democracy into a target range and making damn sure the guns point outward when he says so, and inward when he doesn’t.

The Department of Defense was born to keep us from repeating the mistakes of empire. The Department of War? That’s a promise. A promise that the war is coming home.

And guess who the enemy is.