⚠️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Snarky but Necessary): 

This is satirical, George Carlin–style rage. That means profanity, mockery, and zero respect for corrupt assholes. If you think coal is “beautiful” or that emergency orders should be written on fossil fuel company stationery, grab your pearls and leave now. The rest of us are staying for the bonfire.

So here’s the scam: Trump and his fossil fuel fuckboys just declared war on your lungs, your wallet, and basic goddamn sanity. They dragged a coal plant older than your grandpa’s tube socks out of retirement, slapped an “emergency” sticker on it, and called it patriotism.

And here’s the kicker—it wasn’t even needed. Consumers Energy, the poor bastards who own the fucking plant, had a four-year plan to shut it down. Four years of paperwork, planning, and clean-energy prep. They were ready to throw the switch and walk away. But Captain Spray-Tan waddles in, shits out an “order,” and forces them to keep the corpse humming. That’s not leadership, that’s necrophilia with smokestacks.

Why? Because Trump doesn’t give a fuck about Michigan, or the grid, or your kid’s asthma inhaler. He cares about his billionaire sugar daddies in the coal industry. The guys who shoveled campaign money into his greasy little hands. Solar? Fuck no. Wind? Fuck you. Just coal, blacker than his shriveled heart and more toxic than his Twitter feed.

Michigan had the math: shutting this dinosaur saves $600 million by 2040. Instead, we’re paying a million bucks a day to keep coughing up soot. That’s not energy policy—that’s ransom. That’s hostage-taking with a goddamn utility bill.

Meanwhile, the people living in the shadow of this thing? They’re hacking up black phlegm, wiping coal dust off their windows, burying loved ones with “mystery” lung disease. And Trump’s base is cheering like this is a WWE match, because apparently owning the libs now means owning mesothelioma.

And behind the scenes? The EPA. Remember when it stood for Environmental Protection Agency? Now it’s the Every Polluter Approved desk. Trump gutted it, defunded it, turned it into a concierge service for coal execs. Companies email in their wish list: “Hi, can we spew more arsenic into the air?” And the EPA replies, “Approved! MAGA blessings upon you.” Seventy-one coal plants already got their golden tickets to poison the public. That’s not deregulation—that’s racketeering with a government logo.

Now Dana Nessel’s suing, because somebody has to. And she’s right—this isn’t an emergency order, it’s a sloppy blowjob to dying industries that should’ve been buried decades ago. Trump’s grid “plan” isn’t about power. It’s about control. Who gets to flip the switch, who gets to choke, who gets to fucking die so some coal billionaire can buy another yacht.

So let’s cut the shit: this isn’t about “keeping the lights on.” It’s about keeping us in the dark—literally and politically. Fossil fuels aren’t energy anymore. They’re a leash. They’re a choke collar for the rest of us while Trump jerks the chain and screams about “beautiful clean coal.”

This isn’t leadership. This isn’t policy. This is looting. It’s extortion dressed up as patriotism. And the bill’s coming straight out of your ass.