Disclaimer

This is satire. No historical victims or medical professionals were harmed in the making of this rant — but public health just took a hit so bad even measles is RSV-ing. If you think comparing lifesaving vaccines to slavery is a valid political argument, you might already be in an authoritarian training camp.

Well, Florida has done it again — surgeon general Joseph Ladapo, standing beside Governor DeSantis, just ripped decades of public health into shreds faster than a cheap souvenir T-shirt. Vaccine mandates? Gone. For diseases like measles, polio, chickenpox — all gone. And why? Because apparently, mandating vaxes is just like slavery.

Let’s pause and marvel at all that. He said the mandates “drip with disdain and slavery.” That’s right—thousands of years of oppression boiled down to “you have to vaccinate your kid.” The moral high ground just took a dirt nap in Tampa.

Now, this guy’s not new to splashing around in dangerous nonsense. He’s that Harvard-trained doc who spent years promoting COVID pseudoscience, twisting VAERS data, telling folks mRNA vaccines have a “terrible safety profile.” The CDC slapped him on the wrist. But hey—they should take it as a compliment, right? He’s ascending to conspiracy-chic status.

Meanwhile, Dr. Ladapo claims this crusade is about “bodily autonomy” and “parental choice,” even calling the mandate repeal a “moral side.” Yes, because nothing screams morality like unleashing diphtheria and whooping cough while kids go back to school like lab rats.

Public health experts warn this move could unleash outbreaks of preventable disease—and not the kind you watch on Netflix. Measles, polio, these aren’t fairy tales—they kill, and sometimes leave survivors disabled. Florida’s playing with live ammo and callously shrugging.

But let’s not pretend this is about health. It’s a stunt. A red-meat carnival for the crowd. There’s a commission now called “Florida Make America Healthy Again,” which is code for taking Kennedy Jr.’s anti-vax noise and broadcasting it as official policy. Florida wants to be the first state to wipe vaccine mandates clean like some ideological eraser.

And there’s a taste of that political theater in every word: “Your body is a gift from God,” he proclaimed. But let’s be real—the only gift here is to the anti-science mobs and charter-school donors. Meanwhile, kids and immunocompromised people? They’re getting another gift: a one-way ticket back to pre-vaccine hospital wards.

This isn’t progress. It’s pre-history. You don’t fight tyranny by bringing back childhood diseases. You don’t honor freedom through rebellion against science. You’re not preserving liberty when you’re dismantling preventable disease defense systems.

In Florida, it’s not just the sun that’s deadly. It’s the Surgeon Cadet, preaching medical nihilism from a rostrum with a Confederate snicker. He’s not quoting Hakim Bey or Nietzsche. He’s quoting white supremacy jokes dressed up as healthcare policy.

And here’s the real punchline: If “vaccine mandates = slavery,” then what do you call when the government actively undermines public health and endangers children? Because that ain’t freedom. That’s malpractice masquerading as ideology.