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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Dictator Aspirations Edition)

This is a fictional rant in the full George Carlin voice. If you thought democracy meant thinking for yourself, tough—because he wants you “obedient” like Kim’s people, and treats your autonomy like it’s a glitch in his rerun.

So let me get this straight.

He stood on the White House lawn, chest puffed out, eyes glinting, and told us he wants obedience—like in a totalitarian state. He said he wants people to sit up at attention, not because they...

(A parody in the style of Tom Lehrer)

(Spoken, over gentle piano tinkling)

Good evening.

As some of you may know, I’ve always been fascinated by our species’ uncanny ability to solve disputes with the kind of grace and subtlety typically reserved for bar fights and toddler tantrums.

And while in the past we used to declare war with things like formal declarations, silly hats, and bugle solos, today we’ve found a far more efficient system:

We simply drop things from the sky and call it foreign...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Optional Rights, Just $5,000 Extra!)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you believe job security should be a luxury and loyalty to Dear Leader should be your only résumé, you might already be qualified to run for Senate. No refunds, no appeals, and no unions allowed.

So let me get this straight.

You want to be a park ranger, or a postal worker, or a pencil-pusher at the Department of Agriculture?

Great. Fill out the forms, pass...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER – NOW WITH EXTRA WHIPLASH!

This post is satire and political commentary. It is not journalism, legal advice, or an official government document. While it includes factual references to public policies, statements, and events, it is written in the style of stand-up satire inspired by the late George Carlin: irreverent, explicit, and angry on purpose.

All analysis of motives, campaign donations, and legal implications is speculative commentary protected under free speech.

If...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER - FOR FLAG-LOVERS AND FASCIST WHISPERERS ALIKE

This is satire. This is political commentary. This is the rhetorical equivalent of a fire extinguisher in a burning clown car. While based on real-world events, it is delivered in the voice of the late George Carlin: sharp, profane, pissed off, and absolutely done with your dog whistles and doublespeak. If you're offended, you might just be the target.

Oh, look! Two shiny flagpoles, 88 feet tall! Because nothing screams...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Seven Words, One Legend Edition)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think the word “fuck” is obscene but what politicians are doing isn’t, you’re the kind of person who hears a fire alarm and calls it rude.

Let’s talk about fuck.

The big one. The nuclear word. The one that gets you fired from network TV, tossed from polite dinner tables, and launched into orbit by PTA moms who clutch pearls like they’re rosaries dipped in bleach.

I gave you seven...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Extra Redacted History!)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think celebrating freedom for enslaved Americans is “divisive,” but storming the Capitol is “patriotic,” this rant may cause severe discomfort. Side effects include truth, sarcasm, and the overwhelming urge to read a damn book.

Let’s start with the basics, kids.

Juneteenth is the day—June 19, 1865—when the last enslaved Black Americans in Galveston, Texas were told...

DISCLAIMER – AKA: DON’T SUE THE BENDY MESSENGER

This is not medical advice. This is satire. If you’re using this to diagnose yourself, someone you love, or your dog—stop. Talk to a licensed medical professional. (Preferably one who doesn’t say “have you tried yoga?” while your shoulder is flapping like a broken cabinet door.)

This rant is for awareness, humor, and solidarity. It’s written with love (and mild rage) for those navigating the wacky wilderness of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

Now, that...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH SELECTIVE EQUALITY!)

This is satire, sarcasm, and stage rage in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think civil rights should depend on your state’s vibe and your judge’s robe color, this one’s for you. Side effects may include clarity, rage, and a sudden urge to reread the 14th Amendment with a highlighter and a baseball bat.

So let me get this straight.

The Supreme Court—that polished pile of black robes and brittle logic—just ruled that it’s perfectly...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Steel Edition—Now With Authoritarian Alloys)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think presidents can pick winners and kings by decree—with tariffs and golden shares—then you’re already halfway to wanting a crown.

So let me get this straight.

Trump just announced he’s got a golden share in U.S. Steel—owned by the American people? Nope. Owned by him. He’s not negotiating policy with Congress. He’s selecting his medals, board directors by fiat, and...

YOU SWIPED RIGHT ON LOVE. AND THEN YOU DIED.

Well, not you, probably. But Lila Martin sure did—and trust me, you’re going to want a front-row seat to her afterlife crisis.

Dating to Die For is officially out in the world!

That’s right. Romcom readers, supernatural lovers, disaster daters, and chaos gremlins of all stripes—your new favorite book boyfriend is technically dead, your heroine has a rainbow scythe, and yes, there is a talking cat.

“One of my favorite romantic reads of the year.”

“...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Checks & Balances Edition—Now With Egos on Fire)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think America can survive when one branch tells the others to shut the hell up, you might want to go buy a flag and a fainting couch.

So let me get this straight.

Karoline Leavitt—Trump’s PR wind-up doll—gets in front of a camera and says, “America cannot function if President Trump has to deal with co-equal branches of government having the...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With One Free Waiver Per Felonious Head of State)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think a convicted felon representing the U.S. on the world stage isn't embarrassing, congratulations—you may already be experiencing the late-stage symptoms of fascism. Please do not operate heavy machinery while under this level of national delusion.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS—Felon of the United States—gets waved into the G7 summit by...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Selective Enforcement Edition – Now with Extra Hypocrisy)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think targeting ICE raids at liberal cities is just “law enforcement,” hold onto your empathy—it’s about power, not public safety.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS just tweeted an order to ICE: “Go hard and heavy”—but only in Democrat-run cities. Los Angeles, Chicago, New York—sanctuary strongholds where millions of undocumented people live. Because...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Mass Shooting Edition—Now With More Cowardice Per Capita)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think the real threat is “hateful rhetoric from the left” while a shooter wearing body armor hunts people with an AR-15 in suburban Minnesota, maybe go back to sleep—you’re not using your brain anyway.

So let me get this straight.

Saturday morning in Minnesota, a man named Vance Boelter—tactical gear, fake cop uniform, AR-15 in hand—breaks into two homes....

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Immigration Edition: Now With Extra Fees and Fewer Human Rights)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think charging asylum seekers by the year is “fiscal responsibility” and not monetized cruelty, go gargle with razor wire and call it a tax deduction.

So let me get this straight.

We’re charging people to apply for a green card. Not asking for paperwork. Not vetting. Charging.

Thousands of dollars.

To live here. To work here. To survive.

But wait,...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This post is satire. It is not journalism. It is not objective.

If you’re looking for “fair and balanced,” turn on Fox and prepare to be lied to politely.

If you’re looking for medical advice, security assessments, or government policy analysis, go talk to a qualified professional, or at least someone whose job doesn’t involve shouting into a mic in rage and vinyl.

This is a George-Carlin-style stage rant—full of fire, fury, and facts so sharp they’ve been banned from the...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 100% More Broken Promises and Vaccine-Flavored Bullshit)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think gutting a vaccine advisory committee is “pro-science,” and Susan Collins’ disappointed sighs count as accountability, you might already be eligible for a brain transplant—assuming RFK doesn’t defund it first.

So let me get this straight.

RFK Jr.—America’s favorite shirtless falsetto of pseudoscience—stood in front of Congress,...

Chapter Nine: Stronger Than This

“Wanna go for a drive?” TJ asked, grabbing his keys from the hook by the door.

I glanced toward the window, a reflex by now. The night outside was pitch black, the cold pressing against the glass like a silent warning. A flash of lightning split the sky, followed by a low, distant rumble.

“Now?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He cracked the door open. The clean scent of rain filtered in, soft and grounding.

“Yeah,” he said, grinning.

That smell always got to me—fresh...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Army Edition: Tanks, Tyranny, and Tiny Egos)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin—blunt, profane, unforgiving. If you think a parade is about love of country, not love of your big boy toys, congratulations: you just volunteered for emotional flashbang duty.

Congratulations, U.S. Army—You’re 250 Years Old (And You’ve Earned Some Gray Hair)

Let’s start with what’s real: the Army has served its country, defended liberty, and yes—many of its ones and zeros...