DISCLAIMER:

 This rant is brought to you by the Constitution—what’s left of it—and by the number 6, as in the six black-robed turds who decided the courts should work like DMV lines: slow, redundant, and absolutely incapable of saving your ass in real time. Side effects include whiplash, indigestion, and a sudden desire to scream into the void.

So here's the setup:

Let’s say your government wakes up one morning and decides, “Hey! What if we make some Americans not American anymore?” Or maybe they skip the paperwork and poof your records vanish—like we already talked about Monday and Tuesday (go read 'em, I'll wait). You try to fight back. You go to court. You say, “Judge, this is bullshit and I’d like everyone affected to be protected until we sort this out.”

And now—thanks to the gang over at SCROTUM, the Supreme Crotch-Tickling Organization for Tyranny Under Mandates—your judge can look you dead in the eye and say, “Sure, I’ll help you, Steve, but everybody else who’s also getting hosed? Yeah… not my problem.”

That’s what this ruling does. It says federal judges can no longer stop a law or executive action for everyone—just for the people actually standing in court. Like the roof’s on fire, and the firefighters are only allowed to put out the flames in your specific room, while the rest of the building burns down.

But wait—it gets better. Because SCOTUS didn’t completely slam the door shut on relief. Oh no. They left a tiny window open… like one of those bathroom vents you can’t fit a hamster through. They said, “You can stop unconstitutional policies nationwide… but only if you’re a class-action lawsuit, and it’s approved by a judge, and you’ve got standing, and a unicorn testified on your behalf under a full moon.”

Meanwhile, let’s do a quick rewind.

 Remember when Biden took office and tried to undo the dumpster fire of the last administration—reinstating basic protections, restoring rights, issuing executive orders that made legal and moral sense? And just when things started to look a little less apocalyptic, some podunk right-wing judge in Texas with a Jesus fish on his gavel would issue a national injunction before the ink was dry? 

Yeah, that was business as usual. And the second Biden took office, half the federal bench in the Lone Star State decided their job was to play Shadow President. Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk (go ahead, spell it however you like—he’s the one who treats the Handmaid’s Tale like a career goal) made headlines blocking access to birth control, stripping protections from LGBTQ+ Americans, freezing immigration actions, and trying to kneecap mifepristone.

Sure, most of his rulings got smacked down by higher courts faster than you can say “you don’t get to legislate from the bench,” but the damage was still done—delays, fear, confusion, and headlines that made every progressive policy look radioactive.

Now suddenly it’s a problem?

Now we need to respect “judicial restraint”?

Now we’re worried about “separation of powers”?

Now, the same people who weaponized the judiciary like it was a flamethrower at a birthday party are clutching their pearls about how much authority a judge has?

Fuck off.

And here’s the real kicker: This ruling helps the next Democratic president. Because guess what, Republicans? Your favorite game—shop for judges like you’re picking out wallpaper at Fascist Depot? Yeah, that gets a little harder now. You can’t just run to one MAGA judge in Amarillo and nuke federal policy for all 330 million of us. You gotta play fair. Boo-fucking-hoo.

But until then, you?

You better lawyer up early and bring everyone you know to file alongside you. Because if your rights are on the chopping block, the courts are now saying: “Don’t worry—we’ll help. One paper cut at a time.”

So happy almost–Independence Day, folks.

Because nothing says liberty and justice for all like “go fuck yourself, your neighbor didn’t file the right form.”

[Curtain. Applause. Angry stomping. George exits, flipping off a copy of the majority opinion.]