⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 100% More Deportation Whiplash)

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think pulling over 19-year-old scholarship students and handing them to ICE is “law and order,” you might be suffering from a severe case of authoritarian bootlicking. Consult your conscience. Side effects may include rage, empathy, and the sudden urge to vote like people’s lives depend on it. Because they do.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS goes on television, all puffed-up orange sincerity, and says he “wants to do something about the Dreamers.”

Yeah. Turns out what he wants to do is deport them faster than a Taco Bell burrito through a lactose-intolerant digestive tract.

Meet Caroline Dias Goncalves.

 She’s 19. She’s a college student. She’s been here since she was 7.

 And you know what her crime was?

Driving near a semi-truck.

 No ticket. No drugs. No arrest. No reason.

 She got pulled over, warned, and let go.

Except not really.

Because 20 minutes later, surprise!

 ICE pops up like a fascist jack-in-the-box and kidnaps her off the side of the goddamn highway.

No warrant. No explanation. No due process.

 Just a government-sponsored snatch-and-grab courtesy of a “multi-agency drug task force” that apparently thinks education is a gateway drug to citizenship.

Let me ask you something, America.

What the hell are we doing?

This girl is a DREAMer—that special class of people we pretend to care about right before elections and forget the minute the polls close.

 She has no criminal record, a pending asylum case, and a scholarship from TheDream.US, which, by the way, is more legitimate than Trump University ever was.

But none of that matters to FOTUS and his deportation goon squad.

 Because under this administration, the crime isn’t breaking the law—it’s existing without permission.

And don’t you dare give me that "we’re only going after the bad ones" crap.

We’ve heard that line before.

"We're targeting criminals!"

 Oh yeah? Then why are the only people getting arrested 19-year-old students and immigrant moms on their way to preschool pickup?

 Where are the violent felons?

 Oh right—they’re busy working at resorts that donated to the campaign.

ICE doesn’t knock on those doors.

 Hell, those doors have doormen and golf carts.

And now Colorado cops are backpedaling like Wile E. Coyote on roller skates.

“We didn’t know the communication group was being used for immigration!”

 Yeah? What did you think ICE was there for—the bake sale?

You handed over her location like a tattletale at a fascist slumber party, and now she’s sitting in a private prison in Denver wondering how patriotism turned into panic attacks.

You wanna talk about “law and order?” Fine.

Here’s the order of operations:

1. Be brown.
2. Get pulled over.
3. Get disappeared.

And all this while the president of the United States flaps his gums about “doing something for the Dreamers.”

Well, congratulations. You did something.

You proved that even if you follow every rule, work hard, get into college, win a scholarship, and keep your nose clean…

It still ends with a cage.

You’re not fooling anyone.

You don’t want Dreamers.

 You want punching bags with paperwork problems.

Cue the lights. Cue the outrage. And cue one big middle finger for the road.

Thank you and good night.