⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH 100% TRACKED STEPS AND 0% CONSENT)

 This is political satire in the screaming, snarling spirit of George Carlin. If you’re easily offended by jokes about biometric surveillance, corporate fascism, or your government selling your data for lunch money… this probably isn’t your safe space.

So RFK Jr. wakes up one day, looks at a nation filled with chronic disease, and instead of saying, “Let’s fix the food, the water, the housing, the poison in the soil,” he says:

“Let’s put a f***ing wrist leash on everyone.”

Not a metaphor. He wants EVERY AMERICAN wearing a tracker—heart rate, glucose, movement, probably mood if he can find the funding.

A Fitbit for freedom.

A wristwatch for wellness.

A goddamn spyband for the state.

He’s calling it health.

But don’t be fooled.

It’s not about wellness.

It’s about watchlists.

You think it stops at “steps walked”?

No, no, no. This isn’t a fitness app—it’s Live Action Orwell, with a user-friendly UI.

Because guess who’s already tapping into your medical files?

ICE.

The IRS.

HHS.

Local law enforcement.

They’ve already shared Medicaid data with ICE to track undocumented people.

Now they want to add real-time biometrics, GPS, and behavioral patterns.

You’ll get a pop-up: “Congrats! You closed your rings today. Also, ICE knows you’re at the bodega. Good luck!”

And the cherry on this steaming pile?

The Big Tech Bros are cashing in.

Apple owns the wearable market—30+% share.

You think they’re giving away that data-tracking crown out of the goodness of Tim Cook’s glistening, polished skull?

Hell no. They’re building subscription services out of your heartbeat.

You get to “monitor your health.”

They get to monitor YOU.

Every ping, every pause, every panic attack on your lunch break is another datapoint in the algorithm feeding the corporate-government beast.

And RFK Jr.?

The same guy who blew up CDC science, trashes vaccine efficacy, and worships “individual freedom,” now wants to strap you in and call it liberation.

“It’s cheaper than Ozempic!” Yeah? So is not being poor. But you don’t fix inequality by wiring people to a f***ing watch.

This isn’t healthcare.

This is biofascism on Bluetooth.

And every time someone asks, “Why does it feel like the walls are closing in?”

 It’s because they are—and they’re made of data, not bricks.

Final f*ing word?**

RFK isn’t giving you a cure.

He’s giving you a collar.

And when you wake up one day and your watch says “You’ve been inactive too long, report to HHS”— don’t say you weren’t warned.

Because they don’t want to heal you.

They want to harvest you.

Goodnight. Stay healthy. Stay human. Stay the hell off the grid.