🚨 WARNING: THIS RANT MAY CONTAIN ACTUAL SCIENCE. ALSO, OFFENSE.

 Side effects include rational thinking, contagious sarcasm, and an urge to scream into the nearest vaccine vial. Consult your doctor if reality lasts longer than four hours. 

 ⚠️ SNARK ALERT: The Surgeon General has determined that exposure to raw truth, uncut sarcasm, and live political logic may result in spontaneous brain activity. Proceed with caution. 

You know what pisses me off?

We used to have plagues because we didn’t have vaccines. Now we’ve got plagues because too many people think they’re above them. All because their imaginary friend says, “Needles are bad, m’kay?”

Let’s take a little field trip to West Virginia, where a mom is suing the school system because her religion says her kid shouldn’t be vaccinated. Not because of science. Not because of medicine. Because she found the Lord in a Facebook group and thinks measles are part of God’s mysterious plan.

Now, West Virginia used to be one of the good ones, vaccine-wise. No religious loopholes. Just get the damn shots or homeschool your little Petri dish. But then the state AG—another crusty jackboot in a suit—signed an executive order saying, “Hey, you know what’s a great idea? Let’s bring polio back for Jesus.”

Luckily, the school board ignored that trash fire and said, “We’re not catching mumps for your martyr complex.”

But here’s the kicker: This isn't just about one lawsuit. It’s part of a whole movement of brainwashed crusaders who think injecting your kid with immunity is somehow less moral than letting them cough rubella into a classroom like they’re reenacting the fucking Oregon Trail.

And right behind them? RFK Jr., slurring through a cloud of pseudo-science and mercury conspiracies like the anti-vax pope of Dumbville. “Trust me,” he wheezes, “I know what's in your blood better than you do.” Sure, Bobby. And I know what’s in yours—crushed privilege, unshaken arrogance, and a twist of stupid.

Oh, but wait—this goes deeper. Because while you’re busy arguing over whether God hates needles, the government’s hoovering up your personal data like a Dyson on bath salts. IRS info? Medicaid records? Location from your smartwatch? ICE has it all. That's right—your tax refund, your steps, and your goddamn GPS pings are all in a file somewhere labeled “Just In Case We Don’t Like You.”

And who’s cashing in on all this? Big Tech Jesus—Google, Apple, and a hundred startups you’ve never heard of, all slapping trackers on your wrist and whispering, “We care about your health.” What they mean is: We care about your coordinates, your pulse, your browser history, and how to monetize your heart rate during porn.

They want wearables on every wrist, “for your safety,” of course. And if you don’t comply? Well, you must be hiding something, sinner.

Meanwhile, evangelical parents are crying “religious freedom” while their kids literally die of measles—and still refuse to vaccinate. Because God will protect them, apparently. Except he fucking didn’t. And you’d think, maybe after one dead child, they'd go, “Huh. Maybe science has a point.”

But no. Not in MAGAland. Where logic goes to die and comes back as a Facebook meme with an eagle, a Bible, and a syringe crossed out in red.

Here’s the bottom line:

When you weaponize faith against public health, you’re not saving souls—you’re stockpiling body bags. And when you let billionaires track your every step while crying about freedom, you’re not resisting tyranny—you’re wearing it.

So get the shot. Chuck the wearable. And for fuck’s sake, stop letting the Book of Leviticus make your medical decisions.

Good night. And may your immune system be smarter than your governor.