⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 5,000 mAh of Bullshit Storage)

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you find yourself defending a gold-plated knockoff phone with a fascist family plan, you may be entitled to a free lobotomy. Batteries not included. Ethics sold separately.

So let me get this straight.

You woke up this morning, wiped the crust out of your eyes, and said, “You know what I need? A phone built by the Trump family.”

A Trump phone.

You want the same people who ran a fake university, a casino into bankruptcy, and a presidency into a ditch…

 ...to run your fucking wireless plan?

Jesus, people. There’s optimism, there’s gullibility, and then there’s signing a two-year contract with Satan’s LinkedIn profile.

They’re calling it the T1.

 Which, I assume, stands for Trash. One star. Refund please.

$499 for a mid-tier Android wrapped in gold-colored plastic and the sweet scent of moral decay.

 And you can pre-order it now—just $100 down to reserve your place in line!

 (Behind the sucker who bought Trump Steaks and the guy still waiting for Trump NFT utility.)

They say it’s “designed and built in the USA.”

 Which is adorable.

 You think a phone with an AMOLED screen, 12 gigs of RAM, three cameras, and a USB-C port is coming outta Des Moines?

No.

 It’s a Chinese-manufactured slab with the Trump logo melted into the back like a toaster-branding accident.

But wait, there’s more!

 They’re offering a “47 Plan” for $47.45 a month.

 Unlimited talk, text, and delusions.

They say it includes international calling, telehealth, and roadside assistance.

Because nothing says "cutting-edge mobile experience" like calling your doctor from a ditch in Kansas while your data throttles to dial-up because you dared to use YouTube.

And if you squint really hard at the fine print, you’ll notice something missing.

 Like… details. Processor? Security updates? Warranty?

 Nah. Who needs those when you’ve got patriotism and the vague promise of 5G?

Let’s talk competition.

You know what Mint Mobile gives you for $15 a month?

Three months of service. Actual phones. Real specs. And Ryan Fucking Reynolds.

You know what the T1 gives you for $499?

The creeping suspicion that you’ve just subsidized Eric’s yacht fuel.

And Mint doesn’t throttle you after 20 gigs or make you register on a site that looks like it was coded by Baron Trump on a sugar high.

But let’s be honest—this was never about tech.

 This is about grift wrapped in patriotism, dipped in gold, and sold to people who think loyalty should come with a SIM card.

They’re not selling you service.

 They’re selling you the illusion of greatness.

 They’re selling you a goddamn Trump Shrine you can charge on your nightstand.

And when it explodes, overheats, or bricks during an update, you can bet your backup battery they’ll blame Biden, Fauci, or the deep state of Verizon.

So if you’re thinking of buying a T1 phone, let me save you the time.

Go outside.

Dig a hole.

Throw $500 in.

And bury it next to your dignity.

You'll get the same customer service.

 And your data's probably safer.