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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "academic freedom" is a brand of granola, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “FROG EMBRYOS? THAT'S THE THREAT NOW? WHAT'S NEXT—TADPOLE TERRORISTS?”

Let’s talk about Kseniia Petrova—a Harvard scientist, cancer researcher, and, according to ICE, Public Enemy Number One because she forgot to check...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Reality May Be Subject to Substitution):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered with full stage-rant venom and volume. If you think everyone is a clone except yourself, this one’s for you.

George On Stage, Lit Up and Loaded:

So the FOTUS is now pushing the theory that Joe Biden is a clone.

Not a metaphorical clone, not a "he’s so boring, he's like a copy of a copy" joke—a literal...

DONALD AT THE PODIUM

(or, “Casey at the Bat” with brain worms and indictments)

As told by the late George Carlin, furious, fed up, and flat-out done with the stupid.

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the MAGA team that day;

The polls were down, the donors dry, the walls began to sway.

And when Trump Jr. pled the Fifth, and Rudy guzzled gin,

A hush fell hard upon the crowd—was this the final spin?

A few got up to storm the stage, a few began to boo,

But still remained a loyal bunch with Fox...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Teflon Hypocrisy Detected):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered with full stage-rant energy. If you’re allergic to accountability and think burner accounts are brave, buckle up.

George Takes the Mic:

So Nancy Mace, Congress’s self-proclaimed tech wizard and moral watchdog, is out here running fake social media accounts like she’s auditioning for Catfish: C-SPAN Edition.

This woman...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Truth Now Available in 1,000 Pages or Less):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered in full stage-rant glory. If you're allergic to admitting you're wrong, get ready to itch.

George on stage, pacing, furious, but still grinning like the bastard knows the punchline:

So let me get this straight.

Utah Republicans passed a ban on gender-affirming care for minors—because they were so, so concerned about the...

Pride Month matters. But it’s not enough.

We need it—don’t get me wrong. We need the parades, the flags, the joy, the remembrance, the visibility. Especially now, when hate is clawing its way back into public policy and polite society, wearing new masks but preaching the same old bigotry. Pride Month is necessary.

But it’s also insufficient.

Because queer people don’t exist for a month. They don’t stop needing rights, safety, community, love, and dignity just because it’s July 1st and Target...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’re the kind of person who thinks “the gay agenda” involves anything more dangerous than brunch and civil rights, buckle the hell up.

George Says: “THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO COME OUT—THEY WANT YOU TO DISAPPEAR.”

Let’s talk about it.

Let’s talk about this festering, paranoid, panty-twisting obsession the administration has with LGBTQ+...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Less Gravity, More Grift):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think space exploration should depend on loyalty oaths and ego bruises, you might already be orbiting Planet Bullshit.

George Says: “WHEN YOU’RE TOO QUALIFIED FOR TRUMP’S NASA, YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO LAUNCH YOURSELF INTO THE SUN.”

So here we go again—the FOTUS fired a guy for being good at his job.

Jared Isaacman.

Private astronaut....

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Totalitarian Settings Enabled):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’ve ever thought fascism would show up wearing jackboots, not khakis and a red tie, this is your fucking wake-up call.

George Says: “DUE PROCESS? MORE LIKE DON’T PROCESS—JUST DEPORT.”

So the FOTUS is back at it—breaking laws like they’re breadsticks at a campaign fundraiser.

Let me walk you through the trifecta of...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "academic freedom" is a brand of granola, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STARTS TELLING UNIVERSITIES WHAT TO THINK, WE'RE ALL ENROLLED IN THE SCHOOL OF AUTHORITARIANISM.”

So, Linda McMahon—yes, the same Linda who once ran a wrestling empire—is now the Secretary of...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Privacy Not Included):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a cop with a license plate reader and a God complex, buckle the fuck up.

George Says: “WELCOME TO TEXAS—WHERE YOUR WOMB HAS A GPS TRACKER AND YOUR RIGHTS HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE.”

So now the cops in Texas have decided that your uterus is a crime scene and your license plate is probable cause.

You hear about this shit?

They tracked...

No Justice, No Ethics, All Pardons

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Shredded Constitution Edition):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’re someone who thinks selling presidential pardons is “just good business,” kindly eat your gold-plated golf cart.

George Says: “PARDONS USED TO BE MERCY. NOW THEY’RE MERCH.”

You want to know how you get a pardon under FOTUS?

Three ways.

One: Donate.

Two: Might donate.

Three: Be a violent...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a federal official whose idea of border security is frisking every woman with a brain, a passport, and an opinion—grab a chair and prepare to be roasted.

George Says: “WOMEN WITH AGENCY? IN THIS ADMINISTRATION? DON’T BE RIDICULOUS—THEY’D RATHER YOU CAME WITH A USER MANUAL AND A WARRANTY STICKER.”

Let’s break this down.

You’ve got ...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage and Financial Whiplash):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a hedge fund manager with a moral compass that spins like a roulette wheel, you might want to skip this one—or better yet, read it twice.

George Says: “WHEN THE ECONOMY STARTS TAKING STOCK TIPS FROM MELTDOWNS, YOU KNOW THE SYSTEM’S BROKEN.”

So the suits on Wall Street have cooked up a new get-rich scheme, and...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Feathers):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire with a rare touch of tenderness. No birds were harmed in the making of this monologue. Except maybe a few Republicans metaphorically.

George Says: “IN A WORLD FULL OF ASSHOLES, LEAVE IT TO A BALD EAGLE TO BE THE DECENT ONE.”

So here’s the scoop: out in Casper, Wyoming—a place best known for wind, wide skies, and probably more gas stations than...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're Pete Hegseth or someone who thinks Call of Duty qualifies as military strategy, you might wanna grab a drink and brace yourself.

George Says: “THEY PUT A TALKING HEAD IN CHARGE OF THE ARMY—AND NOW THE TANKS ARE GONE BUT THE BAR’S FULLY STOCKED.”

Let’s talk about Pete Hegseth.

Yes, that Pete. Fox News Pete. Coffee-mug-throwing,...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "emergency powers" are a blank check, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “TRUMP DECLARED A TRADE EMERGENCY, AND THE COURT SAID, 'NOT SO FAST, SPARKY.'”

So, the big news? The U.S. Court of International Trade just told Trump to take his "Liberation Day" tariffs and shove 'em where the sun don't...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Surprising Optimism):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire—with a rare glimmer of hope. If you're allergic to education, facts, or the idea that Americans might actually learn what the Constitution says, grab a helmet.

George Says: “HOLY SHIT—HARVARD’S GIVING AWAY EDUCATION THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS.”

Now this? This is weird.

Because for once—just once—we’ve got a big-name institution doing...

(Spotlight hits. George steps out, chewing on the air like it owes him rent.)

“So Texas wants to define what a man is and what a woman is. Real original, boys. Glad we solved hunger, poverty, and the healthcare crisis—now let’s legislate vaginas and testicles. That’s the ticket!”

pacing the stage like a tiger in a cage full of idiots

“Apparently, in Texas, you’re not a woman unless your body produces ova. Ova! That’s Latin for eggs, folks. So congratulations, ladies, you’re legally chickens...

“Oh great, now they want you to narc on history at a national park. Yeah, because nothing says ‘land of the free’ like ratting out a park ranger for mentioning genocide.”

smacks lips

“You know what this is? This is what happens when your country runs on branding. You don’t get history anymore, you get Historical. And it better be upbeat, goddammit! We want Mount Rushmore in 4K and the Trail of Tears reimagined as a brisk scenic hike. Sponsored by Jeep!”

And then he leans in, eyes wide.

“Can you...