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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now with Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a billionaire tech mogul who thinks ethics is a bug in the system, you're probably not gonna like this.

George Says: “THEY CALLED IT A BEAUTIFUL BILL—BECAUSE ‘OLIGARCHIC POWER GRAB’ WAS ALREADY TAKEN.”

So now they’re calling it the One Big Beautiful Bill—like it's a golden retriever instead of a legislative back-alley mugging with...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire, in the full-bore, vein-popping, bullshit-scorching voice of George Carlin. Everyone’s guilty until proven hilarious. If you’re a lawmaker and feel personally attacked—good. That means you were paying attention.

George Says: “YOU KNOW WHAT CONGRESS IS? IT’S A COUNTRY CLUB WITH VOTING PRIVILEGES”

Mike Johnson—you know, the Speaker of the House, Third in line for the presidency—says he’s “sympathetic” to lawmakers who want to keep trading stocks.

Because—and I...

“JabberTrumpy”

With Explanatory Footnotes for Readers Who Don’t Speak MAGAnese

’Twas MAGA, and the slithy libs

(‘Twas a dark and stormy cult rally. “Slithy libs” = Slippery liberal elitists, best served with soy and panic.)

Did gyre and gimble in the Fake,

“Gyre and gimble” = hysterical flailing in the ‘Fake News’ cycle, often accompanied by fact-checking and tears of democracy.

All flimsy were the newsy fibs,

Flimsy, yes. But somehow still more structurally sound than Trump’s legal defense.

And...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the style of the late George Carlin. No actual microphones were harmed, but some political egos may be. If you think gamifying human rights is entertainment, you’re probably not the target audience—but you’re definitely the punchline.

George Says: “IMMIGRANTS COMPETING FOR CITIZENSHIP? CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE INVENTED HUNGER GAMES: AMERICA EDITION”

So let me get this straight.

The Department of Homeland Security is considering a reality TV show...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin, crafted for the purpose of political satire and darkly accurate humor. If your last name is Trump and you're already angry, maybe don’t do a line off the Constitution before calling your lawyer.

George Says: “DONALD TRUMP JR. WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT? YEAH, AND I WANT TO BE MISS UNIVERSE.”

So Don Jr. might run for president, huh?

Well sure, why not.

After all, we’ve already established that the presidency is no longer a job—...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “Kiss My Asparagus”):

This is a satire-laced rant written in the spirit of George Carlin. It represents the opinions of no one officially, except maybe the ghost of every pissed-off working-class hero who's ever had to count pennies at the grocery store while Congress debates their worth. Strong language. Stronger opinions. No apologies.

SNAP JUDGMENTS: STARVE THE POOR, FEED THE BASE

You wanna know what the GOP’s real plan is?

It’s simple.

Take food off your table...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin, inspired by current events and aimed squarely at bullshit, not belief. If you're offended, maybe ask yourself why your politics need a costume change and a Book of Esther to sell themselves.

George Says: “PROJECT ESTHER? MORE LIKE PROJECT DISTRACT-YOU-WITH-A-BIBLE.”

So now Trump’s launched Project Esther to fight antisemitism.

Sounds noble, right?

Until you remember it’s coming from a guy who hosted Kanye West and ...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “You Can’t Ban What You Don’t Understand”):

This is a George Carlin–style rant. It doesn’t speak for the Carlin estate, Congress, or your local angry PTA. It does speak for everyone who’s ever read a book, loved someone “the wrong way,” or touched themselves in the dark and didn’t feel ashamed afterward.

THE OBSCENITY BILL: CLEANING UP AMERICA, ONE FREEDOM AT A TIME

So now they’re pushing the Interstate Obscenity Definition Act. Sounds important, doesn’t it?

Like...

Associated Press

August 17, 2025

NUUK, GREENLAND (AP) —

In a development that has drawn muted international response but sharp condemnation from Denmark, elements of the United States National Guard landed in Greenland this week in what the Trump administration is calling a "strategic territorial assertion in the national interest."

The operation, conducted under direct presidential order, saw approximately 400 personnel from Florida and Texas deployed to the island. Troops arrived wearing...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and social commentary. It does not reflect the actual views of any public figure or institution and is intended solely for criticism, parody, and entertainment.

If you’re offended, you’re probably the type of person who thinks empathy is a handout and irony is a security threat.

Put the pitchfork down—this is free speech on full blast.

George Says: “CUTTING FOOD STAMPS TO LOWER FOOD...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a satirical roast, performed in the unmistakable style of the late George Carlin—raging, raw, and immune to lawsuits from people with podcast sponsorships for pine needle supplements. It is not polite. It is not bipartisan. It is Carlin. If you’re clutching pearls, you probably funded a Super PAC called “Moms for Misinformation.”

“RFK Jr.: From Conspiracy Candidate to Trump’s Witch Doctor-in-Chief”

A George Carlin-Style Rant in Two Insane Acts

Act One: RFK Jr., the...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire in the voice of George Carlin. It’s angry, profane, and unfortunately, entirely plausible. If you came for comfort, this ain't the monologue for you.

George Says: “IT’S NOT A TAX POLICY—IT’S A FUCK YOU POLICY.”

So Trump and the GOP say they won’t lift the SALT cap.

Not because it’s bad economics.

Not because it’s wasteful.

Not because they give two shits about fiscal responsibility.

But because the wrong people would benefit.

You hear that?

Not criminals.

Not...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire in the voice of George Carlin. If you think banning hurricanes with a Bible verse is good governance, you may want to stop reading now and go vote for a storm drain.

George Says: “THEY CAN’T FIX ROADS, BUT THEY’RE GONNA FIX THE SKY?”

So now Republican state legislatures are passing bills to ban weather manipulation.

Let me repeat that: Weather. Manipulation.

Because apparently, droughts, hurricanes, and heatwaves aren’t caused by fossil fuels or a collapsing...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire in the voice of George Carlin. It's angry. It's pointed. It's probably not fit for TV. But it’s also the kind of truth we’re not supposed to say out loud.

George Says: “IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH THE FAMOUS ONES. THEN IT’S YOU.”

So now Donald Trump wants the DOJ to investigate Beyoncé, Oprah, and Springsteen.

You heard that right.

A former president demanding criminal investigations into musicians and talk show hosts.

Why?

Because they said nice things about someone...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If your ego bruises easily, you may want to leave the room now and go hug a flag.

George Says: “THE ONE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL? MORE LIKE THE ONE BIG BULLSHIT BONANZA”

You know what they should’ve called it?

“The We Don’t Trust You Bill.”

Because that’s what it is.

It’s a 1,100-page hand grenade lobbed straight at democracy by a bunch of sycophants playing lawyer dress-up in the middle of the night.

Let’s take a...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you're in favor of criminalizing protest, filming cops, or generally telling people to sit down and shut up, this one’s probably gonna feel personal.

George Says: “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE BEING FILMED IN PUBLIC, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE A PUBLIC FUCKING SERVANT”

Let’s talk about Texas Senate Bill 1208 and its evil twin, HB 3565.

On the surface?

“Interference with public duties.”

Sounds reasonable, right?

But then you read the...

“The Orange”

A tragic poem in the tradition of Edgar Allan Poe, defiled by narcissism, Twitter rage, and cheeseburgers.

Once upon a press night dreary, while he ranted, bored and bleary,

Over many a slanderous screed of fake news he would deplore—

While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,

As of someone gently clapping, clapping outside Mar-a-Lore.

“’Tis the base,” he muttered, snapping, “lining up outside my door—

Just the patriots. Nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant written in the voice of the late George Carlin. If you’re offended by sharp language, sharper wit, or the idea that books might be more important than pearl-clutching politicians, turn back now. And go read something.

George Says: “THEY TRIED TO BAN BOOKS IN TEXAS—AGAIN. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID.”

You know what HB 1375 was?

It was a lawsuit delivery system for the terminally fragile.

It said, “Hey, if you read something that makes your pants tight...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a satirical rant in the voice and style of the late, great George Carlin. It does not reflect the actual views of George Carlin (though he’d probably nod along from the afterlife with a cigarette and a sarcastic smirk). No trade ministers were harmed in the making of this screed—though a few egos might get bruised.

George Says: “YOU CALL THIS A DEAL?”

Oh, goodie! A 90-day pause on tariffs! That’s not a deal. That’s economic foreplay with no intention of...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “You Can’t Legislate the Stupid Away”):

This satirical rant is delivered in the voice and volcanic tone of George Carlin. It does not represent the Carlin estate, the Texas legislature, or anyone who confuses internet hoaxes with public policy. It may contain language, logic, and laughter not suitable for lawmakers.

THE FURRIES ACT? TEXAS, YOU’VE FINALLY LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND

So let me get this straight.

Texas—home of “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper stickers and ...