⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're Pete Hegseth or someone who thinks Call of Duty qualifies as military strategy, you might wanna grab a drink and brace yourself.

George Says: “THEY PUT A TALKING HEAD IN CHARGE OF THE ARMY—AND NOW THE TANKS ARE GONE BUT THE BAR’S FULLY STOCKED.”

Let’s talk about Pete Hegseth.

Yes, that Pete. Fox News Pete. Coffee-mug-throwing, teleprompter-humping, “Oops, did I just tweet the location of special forces?” Pete. And now—ta-da!—he’s running the goddamn Army.

Because nothing says “national security” like a guy who once got suspended for saying the military was too woke to win a war.

And now this bastion of tactical wisdom—whose most daring mission was probably surviving a segment with Tucker Carlson—has decided we don’t need helicopters. Or tanks. Or commanders with field experience.

What do we need?

More drones. More bots. And a billion-dollar budget to outfit every grunt with an AI buddy named ‘SargeGPT.’

Because in Pete’s world, you don’t win wars with strategy or logistics. You win them with apps, algorithms, and a liquor cabinet that’d make Churchill blush.

That’s right—rumor is, while Pete’s cutting tanks, he’s upping the officer liquor allocation. Because priorities, right? Who needs close air support when you've got top-shelf bourbon and a “morale committee” made of frat bros in camo?

And let’s not forget Pete’s real specialty: national security leaks!

One minute he’s posing in camo for Instagram. The next, he’s dropping classified coordinates on a livestream because he thought it was a Call of Duty map.

Pete thinks “OPSEC” is a type of throat lozenge.

He’s the kind of guy who puts all his passwords on a sticky note and then does a segment on “why millennials don’t take threats seriously.”

And the Army?

The Army is letting this guy throw out decades of battlefield-tested doctrine because... he read a white paper on “future war.”

George says:

“You wanna transform the Army? Start by transforming the leadership back into something that knows the business end of a rifle.”

Until then, enjoy your drones, enjoy your budget cuts, and enjoy the moment your war machine gets hacked by a 14-year-old in Belarus because Pete forgot to log out of Threads.

Transformation? More like disarmament by influencer.

George out. And someone please check if the liquor’s being stored in the motor pool.