⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage and Financial Whiplash):
This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a hedge fund manager with a moral compass that spins like a roulette wheel, you might want to skip this one—or better yet, read it twice.
George Says: “WHEN THE ECONOMY STARTS TAKING STOCK TIPS FROM MELTDOWNS, YOU KNOW THE SYSTEM’S BROKEN.”
So the suits on Wall Street have cooked up a new get-rich scheme, and this one’s deep-fried in irony and served with a side of stolen opportunity.
They’re calling it the TACO trade.
And no, it’s not lunchtime—it’s the acronym for “Trump Always Chickens Out.”
Catchy, isn’t it? Sounds like something your drunk uncle might mumble at Thanksgiving before getting into a fistfight with the TV.
Here’s how it works:
- FOTUS threatens tariffs, trade wars, military action, deportations, currency shenanigans—pick a tantrum.
- The markets shit themselves.
- Wall Street scoops up everything on discount like it's Black Friday at Goldman Sachs.
- FOTUS backs off—because he always does.
- Stocks soar. Rich people make millions. Again.
- You? You get inflation, layoffs, and a Costco rotisserie chicken that now costs fifteen bucks.
George says: This isn’t capitalism. This is weaponized whiplash.
A money printer strapped to a circus cannon, launched every time the orange rage muppet fires off a “strongly worded” truth vomit at 3 a.m.
And here’s the kicker:
The more unstable the presidency, the more profitable the chaos.
That’s right—Wall Street’s figured out how to bet on incompetence. They’re running spreadsheets on presidential meltdowns. They’ve got algorithms that predict when he’s gonna fold like a lawn chair with bone spurs.
And guess what?
They’re almost always right.
Because the one thing you can count on with the FOTUS is that he can’t stick to a goddamn plan for longer than it takes to yell “fake news.”
So now we have an entire trading strategy built on failing upward.
Imagine that: You wreck global stability, you tank consumer confidence, you goose the volatility index—and some billionaire in a Manhattan penthouse gets to pop champagne because you bailed on your own bluff.
George says: This isn’t a free market. It’s a hostage negotiation—with America’s future duct-taped to the radiator.
And what do they call it?
TACO.
Because apparently, there’s nothing Wall Street can’t turn into a branded product.
Who’s hungry for a nice hot wrap of economic sabotage, seasoned with populist rage and filled with deregulated bullshit?
George out.
And remember: if your economy runs better when the president fails, maybe it’s time to stop electing clowns and start investing in integrity.
