No Justice, No Ethics, All Pardons

 ⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Shredded Constitution Edition):

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’re someone who thinks selling presidential pardons is “just good business,” kindly eat your gold-plated golf cart.

George Says: “PARDONS USED TO BE MERCY. NOW THEY’RE MERCH.”

You want to know how you get a pardon under FOTUS?

 Three ways.

One: Donate.

Two: Might donate.

Three: Be a violent lunatic he thinks makes him look tough.

That’s it.

That’s the formula.

That’s the entire fucking presidential pardon strategy now.

 It’s not about innocence. It’s not about rehabilitation. It’s not about “you did your time, son.”

 It’s about ROI.

Let’s take a tour, shall we?

🤑 The Donors.

 Oh, they’re fine.

 They’re covered.

 Drop a few million into a super PAC and your felony conviction disappears faster than FOTUS’ grasp on the Constitution.

Fraud? Tax evasion? Securities violations?

No problem!

 You gave at the golden altar. The golden boy will absolve you.

 Like a televangelist with nuclear codes.

💸 The “Maybe” Donors.

 These ones are my favorite.

 They haven’t even paid yet, but they might.

 They’ve got money. They’ve got PR value. They’ve got a daughter who’s big on MAGA TikTok.

And that’s enough!

You don’t need contrition, just potential value.

Forget repentance. Just have a net worth and the right influencer connections.

 You too can get a Get Out of Jail Free card—expires Nov. 2028.

💀 And then there’s the real problem. The Ones Who Should Still Be Locked Up.

 Insurrectionists. Rioters. Domestic terrorists.

 People who smeared literal shit on the Capitol walls and filmed it.

FOTUS calls them patriots.

I call them Simon fucking Phoenix.

Yeah, Demolition Man. Remember that one?

 The worst criminal from the past gets un-frozen in the future by a guy too stupid to know better?

That’s what this is.

Except instead of cryo-prison, they’re coming from the DC jail.

 And instead of Wesley Snipes, it’s a guy named “Dale” with a Punisher tattoo and a criminal record longer than the 1776 Commission report.

And FOTUS?

 He’s not fighting them.

He’s unleashing them.

He’s recruiting them.

 He’s normalizing them.

 He’s pardoning them.

Because chaos is cheaper than campaigning.

 And lawlessness?

 That’s loyalty, baby.

And here's the part they don’t want you thinking about:

What happens next?

What happens to the hundreds—thousands—of freshly pardoned, ideologically radicalized criminals who now owe him everything?

What happens when he reinstates them?

What happens when the ones in uniform go back into the military?

Back into the command structure.

Back into combat roles.

Back into the chain of fucking command.

He’s not just giving them freedom—he’s giving them authority.

He’s embedding extremists like malware in a system we all have to trust with our lives.

That’s not a government.

That’s a coup with better paperwork.

George out.

 And if you ever thought the pardon power was sacred?

 Try saying that while the Capitol burns and a former Proud Boy gives the keynote at CPAC.

Hell, maybe they’ll pardon Simon Phoenix next.

 He’s less fictional than this administration’s morals.