⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Truth Now Available in 1,000 Pages or Less):

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered in full stage-rant glory. If you're allergic to admitting you're wrong, get ready to itch.

George on stage, pacing, furious, but still grinning like the bastard knows the punchline:

So let me get this straight.

Utah Republicans passed a ban on gender-affirming care for minors—because they were so, so concerned about the kids, right?

 Said it was “experimental,” “dangerous,” “unproven.”

 They swore up and down they were just hitting pause until they could “study the issue.”

 “Do the research,” they said.

“Make informed decisions,” they said.

So what’d they do?

They funded a thousand-page independent medical study.

Paid for the truth!

 And the truth came back and bitch-slapped them with a hardcover.

Turns out gender-affirming care?

 Not dangerous.

 Not fringe.

 Not experimental.

It’s fucking helpful.

 It improves mental health.

 It reduces suicide.

 It literally helps kids stay alive long enough to become adults—

 which, I thought, was the whole goddamn point of childhood!

But THEN— instead of saying, “Hey, maybe we jumped the gun,” instead of doing the thing adults are supposed to do—admit when they fuck up—they said, “Nah. We don’t believe it.”

THEY.

 DON’T.

 BELIEVE.

 THEIR.

 OWN.

 STUDY.

They paid for reality—and still filed for a refund.

You know what that is?

That’s the political equivalent of ordering a paternity test and then saying, “Well, I don’t care what it says. That baby’s still a crisis actor.”

You wanna talk about “following the science”?

 They treated science like a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving.

 Invite him in, ask him questions, ignore everything he says, and then blame him when the stuffing catches fire.

Because the truth didn’t fit the narrative.

Because they already made the law.

 They already held the press conference.

 They already got their sound bites and campaign donations and all the sweet, sweet culture war clout.

And if a bunch of trans kids get crushed under that narrative?

Too bad.

 Collateral damage in the war against facts.

And you know what’s worse?

They’re not alone.

 This is happening everywhere.

 Lawmakers banning things they don’t understand, don’t bother to learn about, and don’t want to be told the truth about.

 Then acting shocked when the data doesn’t match the delusion.

We are governed by people who think evidence is a conspiracy and compassion is weakness and facts are optional depending on how red your state is.

And meanwhile—meanwhile—kids are dying.

Because grown-ass adults with legislative power can’t stand to admit they were fucking wrong.

George out.

 And if you ever find yourself in charge of someone else’s life and you choose politics over truth, you don’t belong in office.

 You belong in a kindergarten classroom, re-learning how to listen.