⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Billionaire Edition, Now with Government Clearance):

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think ketamine is a leadership strategy and mushrooms are a fiscal policy tool, take a seat, Elon.

So let me get this straight.

 We handed over a chunk of the federal government to Elon Fucking Musk—a man whose to-do list includes blowing up Twitter, buying his way into space, and now blitzing democracy while high as a kite.

You heard me. Ketamine. Ecstasy. Shrooms. A traveling pharmacy tucked into a billionaire’s fanny pack, and this guy’s running something called the Department of Government Efficiency?

You can’t make this shit up.

He shows up to press conferences looking like he just time-traveled from Burning Man, muttering about “lasers from space” and how he’s going to “unleash the anomaly in the matrix.”

 That’s not governance—that’s fucking cyberpunk cosplay with real-world body counts.

And meanwhile, what does he do in DOGE?

 Not fix things. Not streamline.

 No—he nukes entire departments, slashes programs, fires IRS agents like they were waiters who got his drink order wrong, and then proudly claims it’s all in the name of "efficiency."

You know what that kind of “efficiency” gets you?

It gets you national parks that can’t open.

 It gets you infants born HIV-positive because Musk decided international aid was a “radical-left psy-op.”

 It gets you 300,000 dead children, and not a single ounce of accountability.

And you better believe this fucker is getting rich while it happens.

 $170 billion richer since buddying up to Trump.

 Because you don’t need to win an election when you can just buy the executive branch and run it like your own fucking startup.

But here’s the twist—he’s not even officially in government, remember?

 The White House swears he’s “just an advisor.”

 You know, like Rasputin was “just a friend of the family.”

He’s embedded Palantir across federal systems.

 He’s building a master database on American citizens—one search bar away from “find everyone who disagrees with me.”

And you think this ends when he “steps down”?

 He’s still there.

 Trump’s calling him “terrific” like he’s the Homecoming King of Autocracy High.

 This guy’s not going anywhere.

Hell, we’re one bad trip away from him declaring himself the fucking technomancer of the United States and launching digital loyalty tests through your toaster.

And don’t even get me started on his justification for the chaos.

 It’s always “cutting waste,” “draining the swamp,” “streamlining government.”

 Bullshit.

 This isn’t a spring cleaning. This is a demolition.

 A scorched-earth campaign waged by a billionaire with a God complex and a bag full of pills.

And every time the courts try to step in, Trump’s flunkies stall, appeal, delay, or flat-out ignore them.

 They know it’s illegal.

 They like that it’s illegal.

 Because once the rules don’t apply to your side, they don’t exist anymore.

We are watching an unelected tech baron dismantle the fucking government for fun and profit—while baked out of his mind—and half the country is still debating whether he’s a genius or just misunderstood.

He’s not misunderstood.

 He’s not eccentric.

 He’s not quirky.

He’s dangerous.

And the scariest part?

 This whole act—DOGE, the tariffs, the mass deportations, the “Office of Remigration,” the merged databases, the state-sponsored paranoia—this isn’t a glitch.

This is the plan.

 The glitch is us, if we let them get away with it.

End scene.

 And if you still think Elon’s a visionary, go ahead—let him manage your retirement account.

 But leave the rest of us the fuck out of it.