⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Justice Department Edition, Now With Bonus Bigotry):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think cutting crime prevention means more funding for Punisher bumper stickers, buckle up.

So let me get this straight.

The same party that swears they’re “tough on crime” just yanked the plug on 373 federal crime-fighting grants—and not for the fun kind of crime, like insider trading or gold toilet tax fraud.

No, they cut programs for gun violence prevention, mental health intervention, addiction recovery, domestic abuse victims, and even trauma care for kids.

That's right. They didn't “reduce bureaucracy.” They eliminated street-level programs that actually fucking worked.

Why?

Because those programs helped the wrong people.

The poor. The brown. The queer. The kind of Americans who don’t get invited to Mar-a-Lago unless they’re cleaning the fucking toilets.

And the reason given?

They don’t align with “new priorities.” You know what those priorities are?

Prosecution over prevention. Punishment over people. Patriarchy over protection.

Oh, and let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: “Combating toxic DEI and sanctuary city policies.”

Translation? If you're not white, straight, and saluting a Confederate flag with your dick out, you're not worth protecting.

And they did this right before summer—when every community leader in America knows violence spikes. You might as well hand out guns and say, “Good luck, peasants. Try not to bleed too loud.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: Surely there’s some oversight, right?

Wrong.

The Department of Justice—under DOGE’s blessed guidance—quietly ghosted over $800 million in approved grants like it was a bad Tinder match.

No appeals. No hearings. Just “sorry, the check’s not coming—good luck with the next drive-by.”

You know what that means?

It means battered women don’t have a shelter.

It means at-risk youth don’t have a mentor.

It means queer kids lose the one adult who doesn’t want them dead.

But hey! Elon’s stock portfolio is up! And somewhere, a boardroom full of jackals just got a bonus for “streamlining America.”

This isn’t “tough on crime.”

This is tough on surviving crime.

This is what happens when a government is run by people who think empathy is socialism and think “public safety” means more guys with guns, not fewer reasons to use them.

And let me tell you, this isn’t an accident. This is the plan.

Defund education, then defund prevention, then throw everyone in jail for being too poor to leave.

And if they die along the way?

Well, that’s just the free market, baby.

Because in their America, the only crimes worth stopping are the ones committed by people who can’t afford a lawyer.

Everyone else?

Step over the bodies and keep shopping.

End scene.

And if you still think this is about “cutting waste,” I’ve got a bridge in Gaza to sell you—cheap, but you’ll need a flak jacket.