⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With ICE, Camo, and a God Complex)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin—political satire sharpened to a point. If you think deploying Marines against protestors is “efficiency” and Dr. Phil is a field correspondent, maybe take a seat before you choke on your bootlicking.

“Okay, kiddo. Sit your ass down and listen—because apparently you skipped every civics class between birth and your last Fox News binge.”

So here’s the story you’re being told:

“It’s not fascism! It’s just order! It’s safety! It’s patriotism with a side of pepper spray and a dash of due process!”

No, sweetheart. That’s not patriotism.

That’s authoritarian cosplay for fragile egos with too many guns and not enough therapy.

You want to pass the One Big Beautiful Bill?

Sure, let’s read the damn fine print:

• Trillions in tax breaks for billionaires? ✅
• Military budget fatter than a toddler after Halloween? ✅
• ICE raids in sanctuary cities like it's a goddamn video game? ✅
• Families locked in basements with no lawyers? ✅
• Protesters called “insurrectionists” because they dared to exist in public? ✅

But the real kicker?

 They cut healthcare, food aid, and civil rights like they’re trimming hedge funds—then call it “efficiency.”

“Why are people so upset?” you whimper, clutching your little flag like it’s gonna protect you from the fucking National Guard.

Here’s why:

Because you’re not solving a problem—you’re starting a fire and arresting anyone who grabs a hose.

And don’t even try to sell me on “law and order.”

 You deployed the Marines without the governor’s consent—you know, the guy actually in charge of the state?

That’s not “law and order.”

That’s called a goddamn coup with PowerPoint slides.

Then you go and call in Dr. Phil?

 What the hell is this, Fascism: The Talk Show?

Next week on The Border Czar's Couch: “Tom, when did you first realize your sense of power came from cosplay and threatening governors on Instagram?”

You want to make things worse? Great!

 Bar members of Congress from ICE detention centers.

 Call the Service Employees Union President a felon because he got body-slammed by riot cops.

 Deploy 2,000 troops with no food, no water, no gear, and have them sleep on concrete—like patriotism means skipping logistics school.

“But…but George, it’s not martial law!”

 Oh really? Could’ve fooled me with the smoke bombs and armored trucks outside Taco Bell.

Let me tell you something:  When you replace policy with performance, and laws with likes, and democracy with a fuckin’ stunt double in camo, you’re not leading. You’re livestreaming the collapse.

This isn’t “the future of America.”

This is what happens when a country gets high on nationalism and decides the best way to protect freedom is to beat the shit out of it with a flagpole.

You think this ends in LA?

It doesn’t.

This bill gives them the money to do it again—and again—and again.

If it passes, your city is next.

So here’s your toddler-sized takeaway:

This isn’t about safety.

 It’s about control.

 This isn’t about crime.

 It’s about obedience.

 This isn’t a bill.

 It’s a fucking blueprint.

End scene.

And if you still think this is about “border security,” go ahead—give ICE a key to your house and let Dr. Phil narrate your next cavity search.

The rest of us?

We’re fighting like hell to make sure America doesn’t end with a boot, a Bible, and a livestreamed arrest of the governor.