⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Extra Voter Suppression):

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're allergic to the Constitution, allergic to voters, or just a power-mad orangutan with a Sharpie, buckle the fuck up.

George Says: “YOU DON’T PROTECT DEMOCRACY BY HOLDING IT HOSTAGE.”

So now we’ve got the FOTUS pulling another page out of the Dictator Coloring Book, this time with an executive order aimed at vote-by-mail, because apparently, voting while not sweaty and standing in line is un-American now.

He calls it Executive Order 14248.

 I call it “Operation: Steal the Vote With Extra Steps.”

This isn’t policy.

 This is political arson wearing a flag pin.

 It’s not about “election integrity.” It’s about election control.

 It's a tantrum in legalese.

And here’s the big one—he wants to make it a crime for states not to obey.

Let me say that again: A FUCKING CRIME.

 Not complying with his order—his completely made-up, pulled-from-his-ass, "what if I was king?" order—is now punishable?

“If you don’t do what I say, I cut your funding.”

 It’s the shakedown state.

“Nice democracy you got there, shame if something happened to it.”

If you’re a governor, and you say, “Hey, maybe people should vote by mail because our citizens deserve access to democracy,” he says, “Fuck you, no money for you. Hope your bridges collapse.”

It’s government-by-blackmail.

 Not law.

 Not leadership.

Leverage.

And while he’s at it, he’s demanding states run their voter rolls through federal immigration databases.

 Because nothing screams “democracy” like using ICE as your voter suppression squad.

 You’re a naturalized citizen who changed your name? Too bad! You might get flagged and scrubbed.

This isn’t policy, folks.

 This is a power grab duct-taped to a purity test.

 It’s voter suppression with a Homeland Security logo stamped on it.

And let’s not forget the courts already told him, “Hey dipshit, you can’t withhold congressionally approved funds just because you’re mad at California.”

 To which he replied, “Watch me.”

The man’s allergic to checks and balances.

 He thinks executive orders are like coupons—you just keep using 'em, even when they’ve expired.

“Limit one per fascist.”

You know what else this order does?

It changes the mail-in deadline.

 No more ballots postmarked by Election Day—now they have to arrive by then.

 You live in a state with a slow postal system?

 Tough shit.

 Pray to the Mail Gods and hope your vote doesn’t end up in a ditch next to a raccoon skeleton and a Trump campaign hat.

And you know who this really fucks over?

Military voters.

 Rural voters.

 Seniors.

 People who have to choose between standing in a ten-hour line and keeping their job.

This isn’t incompetence.

 It’s intentional.

They’re not trying to rig the rules—they’re trying to write new ones.

 Rules where only the right people vote.

 The white people.

 The wealthy people.

 The correctly paranoid people who think Black voters are a statistical anomaly and electronic ballots are the devil.

And while all this is going on, half the country is standing around saying, “Well, it’s just an executive order…”

It’s not “just” anything.

 It’s the president threatening states with financial ruin and criminal prosecution because they’re not helping him rig the next election.

That’s not democracy.

 That’s a fucking ransom note written on the back of a ballot.

George out.

 And if you’re still asking whether this guy respects the Constitution,

 let me save you time: he wipes his ass with it—and then signs the executive order with the same hand.