⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Extra Loyalty Tests):
This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered with full stage-rant fury. If you think civil service should come with a loyalty oath, this one's for you.
🎤 [Spotlight hits. George steps up, arms wide, eyebrows up like he’s seen some shit.]
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and whatever’s left of the independent civil service—
Welcome to the Trump Administration’s new hiring policy: Suck Up or Shut Up!
That’s right! If you want a federal job these days, forget resumes, forget qualifications, forget knowing what the fuck you’re doing. All you gotta do is pass the Loyalty Essay—a 500-word ode to the Dear Leader where you explain, in detail, how far up your own ass you’re willing to crawl for the privilege of licking his boots.
No, this isn’t satire. This is actual fascism with a coat of red, white, and bullshit.
They’re calling it Schedule F, which sounds like a filing system—but it’s not. It’s the new category for "fire-at-will political enemies." And by political enemies, I mean people who believe in facts. Or science. Or not locking up your opponents for sport.
Oh, and if you think this is just about jobs? Think again. This is a loyalty purge, Stalin-style, but with reality TV edits and a soundtrack of Kid Rock. They’re not building a government—they’re building a cult! One hiring form away from a national purity test. First it’s “do you support the president’s agenda?” Next it’s “have you ever voted blue?” Then it’s “do you own a mirror and feel shame?”
This isn’t about patriotism. Patriotism is love of country.
This is nationalism with a lobotomy.
It’s "I pledge allegiance to the MAGAverse and the grift for which it stands."
What’s next? Loyalty tattoos? MAGA-themed aptitude tests? “How many flags do you own and how often do you salute them?”
And here’s the kicker, folks—this purge includes career civil servants. You know, the people who actually run the country while the politicians are on Fox News yelling at clouds. These are the experts, the nerds, the pencil-pushers who keep the lights on, the water clean, and the planes from playing midair bumper cars.
Fire 'em all, says Trump. Replace them with loyalists. Preferably ones who’ve been banned from at least three social media platforms and think bleach is a vaccine.
So, what do we get?
Not a government.
A regime.
The kind of regime where facts are treason, truth is optional, and the only job qualification is how loud you can chant “USA” while holding a Tiki torch.
Fuck that.
Government is supposed to serve the people. Not just one bloated, orange-faced demagogue with a God complex and the moral compass of a wood chipper.
End scene.
🎤 Spotlight out. Cue the sound of every civil servant quietly updating their resume to “Emigrated.”
