⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

 The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

WHEN THE NUKES COME OUT, TRUMP TUNES OUT

So, India and Pakistan are at it again.

 Two nuclear-armed countries, both with centuries of unresolved history and about twelve brain cells’ worth of diplomatic restraint between them, start lobbing artillery over a border that’s seen more tension than a Thanksgiving dinner at the Murdoch house.

And what does the Trump administration do?

Nothing.

 No, wait. That’s not fair.

 They do worse than nothing.

 They send vibes.

Trump stands there, swaying slightly, blinking like he just lost his place in a picture book, and says, “It’s very bad… very bad… but I hope it ends soon.”

Hope.

 That’s the whole plan. Hope.

 No envoy. No phone call. No pressure. Just…vibes and a pout.

Meanwhile, the State Department issues one of those perfectly flavorless statements that reads like it was written by an AI trained on corporate HR emails:

“We urge both sides to show restraint.”

Show restraint?

 That’s like telling two toddlers with chainsaws to settle their differences with interpretive dance.

And it’s not like we’re talking about a bar fight in Fresno.

 This is KASHMIR, baby. The original geopolitical migraine.

 A place where three wars, two religions, and one very pissed-off mountain range come together to make international relations look like a demolition derby with nukes.

But Trump? Trump acts like it's a minor inconvenience.

“They’ve been fighting forever,” he says, like that’s some kind of valid excuse. You know what else has “been around forever”? Cancer. Doesn’t mean you ignore it and hope it’ll go away by Tuesday.

And let’s not forget this is the guy who claims to be the best negotiator in the world.

 This guy said he could bring peace to the Middle East with vibes and Jared Kushner.

 He practically declared himself the Archduke of De-escalation…

 ...and now, with two nuclear states staring each other down across a barbed-wire border, what’s he doing?

Tweeting about dishwashers.

That’s not a joke. That actually happened.

Meanwhile, American embassies are on alert, airlines are rerouting, and journalists are updating their “What to do if nuclear war breaks out while you’re on deadline” plans.

And you know who’s actually doing something?

China.

 Let that sink in.

China is brokering peace while the U.S. president is hoarding Sharpies and asking if radiation makes you tan faster.

Look, I’m not saying the U.S. has to play global babysitter forever—but when two heavily armed nations start dusting off their doomsday options, maybe the country that spends $800 billion a year on defense should say something more than “We hope it works out.”

Because this isn’t just “India versus Pakistan.”

 This is what happens when the grown-ups leave the room and the guy in charge is too busy combing his hair with a raccoon to notice the smoke outside.

Because let’s be honest, folks.

 You want to know the real reason Trump doesn’t give a flying golden fuck about India and Pakistan lobbing missiles at each other?

They’re brown.

 Brown people.

 Brown countries.

 Brown languages. Brown religions. Brown everything.

You think if this was, say, Norway versus Finland, Donnie’d be on the phone faster than you can say “Nordic blondes.”

 He’d be there in a powdered wig, offering Trump Tower Helsinki and a commemorative golf towel to both sides.

Peace through real estate, baby.

But Kashmir? That’s too many syllables.

 It doesn’t have a Trump hotel.

 And worst of all—no white saviors in sight.

Let’s not forget, this is the guy who called African nations "shithole countries," told Congresswomen of color to “go back where they came from,” and somehow thinks Puerto Rico is a foreign land with magic paper towels and no electoral votes.

So when India and Pakistan start throwing punches?

He yawns.

 Maybe tweets something like “Both sides are being very, very mean.”

 Then goes back to yelling at his TV because someone on CNN pronounced “Nevada” the wrong way.

This isn’t foreign policy—it’s a racism reflex.

 If he can’t imagine himself golfing there, marrying someone from there, or turning it into a tax shelter, he’s not interested.

 And if the people involved don’t look like extras from Leave It to Beaver, he tunes out entirely.

Because when your worldview is built on a cocktail of ignorance, ego, and just enough bigotry to sell T-shirts at a truck stop, war between brown countries isn’t a crisis—it’s a background noise.

 A footnote in a Fox News chyron.

 Something to ignore until someone asks you about it, and then you say, “They’ve been fighting forever,” and move on to more important matters, like investigating windmills for causing cancer.

So yeah. The world is teetering. Missiles are flying.

 And the guy with the nuclear codes is shrugging because the people at risk aren’t the “right kind of victims.”

That’s not diplomacy.

 That’s white nationalism with a tanning bed.