🎤 “Welcome to Newark: Delays, Disrepair, and a Democracy in Decline”

George Carlin, 2025 edition

You ever fly into Newark lately?

 Well, good f***ing luck.

The place looks like someone tried to build an airport out of used duct tape and Reaganomics. It’s like stepping into a time machine designed by Amtrak—in the seventies. You got digital screens powered by dial-up, carpet that remembers Vietnam, and a TSA line that runs on the honor system and prayer.

Now they’re saying it’s because of “staff shortages.” Oh, really? We’ve got a staff shortage in air traffic control? You don’t say! Maybe that’s what happens when you treat the people responsible for keeping giant tubes of aluminum from crashing into each other like fast food managers with radar guns. Maybe they stopped showing up because they realized $70k and PTSD isn’t a retirement plan.

But it gets better. Turns out Newark’s air traffic system fried itself. That’s right. A copper wire—a single f**ing copper wire*—fried, and the whole radar grid collapsed like a lawn chair in a windstorm. So now we’ve got planes circling, passengers sleeping on yoga mats, and half the airport controllers on trauma leave. Which I gotta say, might be the most honest reaction to Newark I’ve ever heard.

And what’s the FAA doing?

 “Oh, we’re looking into it.”

 Translation: We’re going to pretend we’re confused while we quietly defund blue-state infrastructure.

Because let’s get real here.

 Newark isn’t just some random third-tier airport.

 It’s one of the busiest international hubs in the country.

 It’s connected to New York, D.C., Boston—it’s the jugular vein of the Northeast.

 And they’re letting it rot.

Why?

 Because it’s in a blue state.

 A loud, annoying, progressive blue state.

 A place where people read books, marry who they want, and vote the wrong way.

 So now the delays aren’t just weather or maintenance.

 They’re political.

Want to fly out on time?

Vote Republican.

 Otherwise, hope you brought snacks and a solar-powered Kindle, because you’ll be waiting until infrastructure week actually happens. Spoiler: it won’t.

And don’t think the delays are an accident. No, no, no. This is economy class authoritarianism. It’s not tanks in the streets, it’s “Your flight has been cancelled due to a lack of American values.” It’s “We regret to inform you that dissent no longer qualifies for priority boarding.”

You wanna know how democracy dies?

It’s not in a coup.

 It’s in a ground stop.

 It’s deferred maintenance.

 It’s a fried wire and a shrug from Washington.

They won’t arrest you.

 They’ll just make it impossible for your airport to function, your flights to leave, your life to run on schedule.

 And they’ll call it "budget constraints."

Meanwhile, Mar-a-Lago gets a new runway and the MyPillow guy gets a jet.

So yeah. Newark’s going to hell.

But it’s not just about delays.

It’s about what happens when a government stops trying to serve everyone—and starts punishing the people it can’t control.

Welcome to Terminal Authoritarianism.

 Please remain seated until democracy comes to a complete stop.

 The preceding rant is a satirical work of political commentary inspired by the tone and legacy of the late, great George Carlin. Any resemblance to actual government incompetence, political retaliation, or infrastructure sabotage is purely coincidental... and also depressingly accurate. No flight plans were harmed in the making of this piece. Please consult your nearest functional democracy before boarding. Batteries not included.