Legal Disclaimer:

 This post is a work of political satire and commentary, presented in the spirit of the First Amendment and inspired by the late George Carlin’s unapologetically blunt approach to truth-telling. Any resemblance to actual authoritarian regimes—past, present, or future—is entirely intentional. Side effects may include critical thinking, eye-rolling, and spontaneous outbursts of “What the hell is going on?!” Reader discretion is advised.

🎤 Part 1: “The Rock Is Back, Baby!” 

 So now they wanna reopen Alcatraz.

 That’s right. The big spooky prison on the rock. The one that hasn’t held a prisoner since the Beatles were playing clubs in Germany. And why? Because Daddy Donny and Baby Don Jr. think it would make a great place to stash all those “violent criminals” and—wink wink—“traitors.”

Yeah. “Traitors.” Not people who committed espionage. Not people who sold secrets. No, in 2025, a “traitor” is someone who retweeted the wrong protest flyer. Someone who said “hey, maybe we shouldn’t tear-gas librarians.”

This isn’t about crime. It’s about branding. Trump wants his own Gitmo, but with better real estate views. Because nothing says “law and order” like turning a haunted tourist trap into a fascist summer camp.

You know what Alcatraz has?

 No heating. No modern plumbing. No scalable security systems.

 You know what it doesn’t have?

 A jury. A trial. A lawyer. A fing phone call.***

But that’s the point, right? It’s symbolism.

 They don’t want to process you.

 They want to parade you.

 They want to take you to the middle of the bay, lock you up, and wave at the skyline like “Look! We caught another one!”

Because when they reopen Alcatraz, it won’t be about justice.

 It’ll be about reminding you:

This is what happens when you don’t shut up.

🎤 Part 2: "And Now He Wants a Birthday Parade!"
 
So you’re telling me—after resurrecting Alcatraz like some kind of patriotic horror reboot—this bloated orange Mussolini cosplayer wants a military parade.
Not for the troops.
Not for Memorial Day.
Not for victory in a war.
Nope.
For his birthday.
His. Birthday.
The man wants tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue because he managed to be born. Like that was hard. Like the world owes him cake and a flyover.
You know who does that?
Dictators.
Tinpot tyrants.
Guys with 47 medals and no victories.
Kim Jong-un has a birthday parade.
Putin gets goose-steppers.
And now Trump wants a Marine marching band to play “Happy Birthday” while he waves from a gold-plated Humvee like a deranged Macy’s float.
The military parade isn't about honoring soldiers. It’s about honoring the man who thinks bone spurs are a Purple Heart.
It’s the same playbook:
Reopen Alcatraz, remind you of what fear looks like.
Throw a parade, remind you of what power looks like.
And while you’re distracted by the tanks and the flags and the carefully synchronized jet trails, they’re writing the next executive order behind your back.
Because this isn't just ego.
It's conditioning.
They're teaching you to clap for repression.
To salute narcissism.
To normalize fascism with confetti and fireworks.
So happy birthday, Don.
Here’s your gift:
A country that’s starting to look a little too much like the parades we used to mock behind the Iron Curtain.

🎤 Part 3: “Victory Day, Veterans Be Damned”
 
Oh, you’re gonna love this one.
So now Captain Combover wants to give us Victory Day. Not one. No, no—TWO. Because like a kid who found the sprinkles, he just keeps shaking the damn bottle until everything's sticky.
May 8? That’s for winning World War II.
November 11? That’s for World War I.
But don’t get too excited, folks—you still have to go to work.
It’s a holiday… with no day off.
A patriotic participation trophy. You can salute, but clock in first.
And here’s the kicker: November 11 is already Veterans Day.
You know, the day we allegedly honor the people who fought in those wars.
But apparently that’s not theatrical enough.
So now it’s “Victory Day.”
Not “Sacrifice Day.” Not “Remember the Dead Day.”
Victory.
Because Trump doesn’t like nuance unless it comes in three scoops and gold foil.
And when the VFW, the DAV, and half of Arlington went, “Uh, excuse you?”
The White House said, “Oh no, no! We’re not replacing Veterans Day. We’re just… adding flavor.”
Flavor?! You’re treating remembrance like it’s a f***ing Pop-Tart!
And of course, you don’t get time off.
Because Trump says we “already have too many holidays.”
Yeah, this from the guy who plays golf more often than a retired orthopedic surgeon.
But here’s the thing: this Victory Day nonsense?
It’s not about history.
It’s about ownership.
He wants to stamp his name on everything we’ve ever won.
Wants his face next to Normandy.
Wants the soldiers of the Somme saying “Thanks, Mr. Trump, for giving us a holiday we can’t use!”
He’s building his own pantheon.
Alcatraz for the traitors.
A parade for his birthday.
Victory Day so he can pretend he’s the one who won the wars.
This isn’t nostalgia.
This is propaganda.
This is the kind of crap dictators do when they’re two policies away from building statues of themselves in every elementary school courtyard.
You wanna honor veterans?
Fund the VA.
Give 'em healthcare.
Stop sending them to bullshit wars and forgetting their names.
But that’s not flashy.
That’s not gold-plated.
That doesn’t fit in a soundbite between “LOCK HER UP” and “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.”
So now we’ve got performative patriotism with none of the actual respect.
We’ve got holidays with no meaning, no rest, and no f***ing point—except to remind you who’s in charge.
You don’t get a day off.
You get a reminder.
That in 2025, even your history has to suck up to the President.
And your gratitude for surviving a world war?
Well, it better come with flags, fireworks, and a marching band in the shape of his ego.
Victory Day, my ass.