Disclaimer

This is satire. No judges were harmed in the making of this rant — though a few lawmakers might need ice packs for the ass-kicking they just got from the Constitution. Any resemblance to actual legislative gerrymanders is entirely intentional.

Utah. The place where Republicans have such a death grip on politics you’d think Jesus himself was on the state payroll. They carved Salt Lake City into four Republican strongholds like a Thanksgiving turkey, slicing up the only swing district and serving it with gravy to the GOP.

Enter Judge Dianna Gibson. A Republican appointee, mind you. But not your MAGA flavor. She’s an Eisenhower Republican — the kind that still thinks “the law matters” and “citizens aren’t cattle to be herded into voting pens.”

She looked at that bullshit map and said: “No. Redraw it. And do it now.”

 The lawmakers whined, “But Judge, the timeline’s too short!”

 And she shot back: “Texas and California just redrew maps mid-decade, you lazy bastards. You can do it too.”

That’s right. She called them out for being full of it. Other states are busy cranking out maps to steal seats for their parties, and Utah has a chance — a fucking chance — to be different. To follow the law, respect voters, and not treat democracy like a cattle auction.

And of course, the Utah GOP loses its damn mind. “Judicial activism!” they scream. “Hubris!” they cry. Yeah, nothing says “activism” like following the amendment your voters passed in 2018 and you assholes repealed because you didn’t like it.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t some pinko commie judge parachuting in from Berkeley. This is a Republican judge, appointed by a Republican governor, telling Republican lawmakers to stop screwing their own citizens. She’s not left, she’s not right — she’s just tired of your horseshit.

So congratulations, Utah Republicans. You managed to piss off the kind of judge who still believes in the rule of law. And she just handed you homework: redraw the damn lines and try not to make them look like a toddler with safety scissors was in charge.

Because here’s the truth: Judge Gibson’s not protecting Democrats. She’s protecting democracy. And in Utah, that’s enough to make the GOP froth like Diet Coke and Mentos.