⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Stacked Between the Banned Books and the Constitution):

 This is a satirical tribute written in the voice of the late, volcanic George Carlin. It represents no institution, no librarian’s union, and certainly not the Trump White House. It does represent the belief that librarians are the quietest badasses in America—and that trying to seize a library with executive thugs is like bringing a match to a flood.

TRUMP TRIES TO TAKE THE LIBRARY—GETS SHUSHED INTO HUMILIATION

Let me tell you something: When you’re an authoritarian in America, you don’t start with tanks.

 You don’t start with guns.

You start with libraries.

You ban the books.

 You fire the librarians.

 You rewrite the catalog—until every shelf looks like a Republican fundraising dinner and the only thing filed under “history” is a framed photo of Ronald Reagan with a hard-on for tax cuts.

And Trump?

 He tried that this weekend.

 He sent his little lawyer lackeys into the Library of Congress—with a goddamn letter from the White House—like it was his personal book club and he wanted to be the new head librarian.

Let me repeat that: He tried to stage a hostile takeover of the LIBRARY.

And you know what happened?

The librarians said no.

The staff told the goons to turn around, take their forged authority, and kindly fuck off back to whatever fascist fantasyland they came from.

Now that? That’s what I call a plot twist.

📚 WHY LIBRARIES MATTER

 People forget this, but books are dangerous.

 Books contain ideas.

 Ideas are like viruses: once you catch one, you start questioning shit.

And that’s why the GOP’s been at war with libraries for years.

 Because you can’t maintain a fascist regime when the citizens have access to Toni Morrison, bell hooks, Carl Sagan, and Howard Zinn.

So they try to kill the libraries.

 Starve the funding.

 Ban the titles.

 Scare the staff.

And when that doesn’t work?

 They try to install a crony—a loyalist who’s never read anything thicker than a McDonald’s menu, but knows how to shelve “Mein Kampf” in the Inspirational section.

📖 BUT HERE’S THE BEAUTIFUL PART:

 You can fire the Copyright Director.

 You can fire the Librarian of Congress.

 You can even try to storm the fucking stacks—

But you will never control the library  if the people inside still believe in the power of the book.

Because the real resistance doesn’t wear capes.

 They wear cardigans and lanyards.

 And they’ve got receipts.

 And Dewey decimals.

 And a list of everything you’ve tried to hide since January 2017.

So yeah, Trump tried to steal the Library of Congress.

 And he got outmaneuvered by people who alphabetize for a living.

That’s not just a win.

That’s poetic justice, hardcover edition.