⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (because we have to):

 The following is a satirical commentary inspired by real-world events, filtered through the hypothetical, unfiltered voice of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of any political candidate, living or undead.

 Any resemblance to real egos, orange or otherwise, is purely coincidental.

 No movie studios were harmed in the making of this rant—though several brain cells were.

 Reader discretion advised. Strong language, stronger opinions, and absolutely no patience for bullshit. 

🎬 TRUMP’S TINSELTOWN TARIFF: A MONOLOGUE IN FOUR DEPRESSING ASS ACTS

Starring your favorite bloviating bologna log with a God complex and a vendetta against vowels.

You hear this latest bowl of bullshit Trump’s trying to serve cold? Tariffs. On. Imported. Movies.

Yeah. Because apparently cinema is the newest battlefield in his endless war on things that confuse, entertain, or outshine him. Foreign-made movies—movies!—are now a national security threat. Not because they’re hiding secret communist messages in the subtitles, but because they were made elsewhere. Like that matters. He’s pissed off at tax incentives in other countries. That’s it. That’s the whole fuckin’ argument. It’s “they got a coupon and I didn’t, so let’s start a trade war.”

Hey Donnie, let me break it down for you: this ain’t a bake sale, it’s the global entertainment industry. Jesus Christ, the man thinks “co-production” is when Melania says yes twice in a row.

This ain’t about jobs or patriotism—it’s about revenge. Hollywood wouldn’t cast him as Lincoln, so now he wants to nuke Netflix. And you know he’s still salty the Oscars didn’t give Home Alone 2: Lost in Mar-a-Lago the nod for Best Supporting Narcissist.

And let’s talk logistics. How the fuck do you even tariff a movie? You gonna shake down the Wi-Fi signal coming outta Toronto?

“Sir, we’ve got a breach—French dialogue detected on Hulu. Launch the drones!”

You know what makes a movie “foreign”? EVERYTHING. Scripts get punched up in New York, filmed in fucking Iceland, scored in Prague, edited in Mumbai, and rendered in a datacenter in Guam powered by hamster wheels and broken dreams. These things are more international than the goddamn Olympics.

And you want to put a 100% tariff on that? Great plan. Brilliant. Fucking genius. Let’s make American films more expensive to produce, piss off every partner we’ve ever worked with, and watch the rest of the world say “Yeah, we’re good” and move on to movies that don’t involve Iron Man, Fast Cars, or Fast Iron Cars.

Here’s the part nobody wants to say out loud: America MAKES money off foreign audiences. We dominate the global box office like Godzilla in a porcelain shop. We ship our explosions, CGI, and shirtless Chris Hemsworths all over the goddamn planet and collect the cash like church donations at a megachurch. But noooooo, can’t have that. Gotta burn down the factory because the neighbor painted their garage too nice.

It's not economic policy, it's emotional incontinence. It’s what you get when a tantrum learns to sign executive orders.