⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

 This is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any trade authority, or anyone still pretending tariffs are sexy. Strong language, stronger opinions, and zero patience for economic chest-thumping. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

TRUMP’S BIG TRADE “WIN”: HE PISSED IN THE POOL, THEN BRAGGED ABOUT CHLORINE

 So now we’ve got Trump strutting out like a game show host with dementia yelling,

“I MADE A DEAL! A GREAT DEAL! BEST DEAL EVER!”

And what’s the deal?

 The U.K. can sell us a little more steel and cheddar, and we’ll toss them some beef and Boeing parts in return.

You know what that is?

 That’s resetting the thermostat you broke and declaring it a technological breakthrough.

This is the same guy who slapped 10% tariffs on half the planet—including our allies—because his ego needed to feel “strong on trade.”

 So now, when he shaves those tariffs back down a little, he acts like he just cured f***ing cancer.

“Look, we fixed trade with Britain!”

 Yeah? YOU broke it.

 It’s like setting fire to a house, putting out one room, and holding a press conference.

And get this:

 The tariffs aren’t even gone. They’re just dressed up in a new outfit.

10% baseline stays. Quotas still exist.

 It’s the same trade policy with a ribbon and a comb-over.

Meanwhile, the U.K.—God love ’em—is over there smiling through their teeth, pretending this is a good idea because Brexit left them wandering around like a drunk tourist asking where the exit is.

“We’ve secured access to the American market for beef and ethanol!”

Beef and ethanol? What is this, a deal or a f***ing tailgate party?

And the news calls this a “strategic partnership.”

 No. It’s a political prop.

 It’s the economic equivalent of saying, “I did my own research,” while building a bunker out of dog food cans.

You know who benefits from this?

 Not you.

 Not the British public.

 Maybe two CEOs, three lobbyists, and Trump’s ego, which now floats several feet higher than usual thanks to all the hot air.

So don’t fall for the headline.

 This isn’t a “win.”

 It’s a “well, I guess this isn’t on fire today” kind of moment.

And that?

 That’s not a trade policy.

 That’s what happens when you let a reality show host play Monopoly with actual countries.