⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 This is satire. Loud, sharp, and legally aware. If you're fine with collapsing prosecutorial independence because it helps your guy skip a few subpoenas, you might want to sit this one out and go polish your golden toilet seat.

So here we are, folks.

Another episode of “How to Dismantle Democracy in 10 Moves or Less,” starring President Felon of the United States and his favorite legal henchperson, Alina Habba—a woman whose qualifications include losing a $83 million defamation case and never prosecuting a criminal case in her life.

Trump wanted her to be the top federal prosecutor in New Jersey.

Not in his defense team. Not on TV. Not running PR.

No—prosecutor-in-chief of one of the busiest legal districts in the country.

And the courts?

The courts are in full-stop panic mode.

Cases postponed. Hearings frozen.

Defendants don’t even know if they’re being prosecuted by someone legally allowed to do the job.

Why?

Because this whole damn stunt is illegal theater performed in front of a crowd of sycophants too stunned by the spotlight to read the Constitution.

Let’s walk through the three-ring circus act, shall we?

Act One:

Habba gets a 120-day interim appointment. That’s the legal limit unless she’s confirmed by the Senate.

 Spoiler alert: she wasn’t.

Act Two:

She resigns—one day before the deadline.

Then, presto! Her nomination is yanked, and Pam Bondi fires her legally appointed replacement and reappoints Habba as her own deputy.

Act Three:

Because she’s now technically “the most senior official” left standing in the building, she auto-levels back up to U.S. Attorney, like it’s a Mario Kart power-up.

And they think this is clever.

They think you won’t notice.

But here’s the legal kicker: Once someone’s been nominated for a position, they can’t serve in that role under the Federal Vacancies Reform Act—even if the nomination gets withdrawn.

You don’t get to un-submit yourself.

This isn’t a college application.

This is the federal government. Or at least, it used to be.

And the kicker?

The real gut punch?

While all this chessboard crap plays out behind closed doors, actual criminal cases are collapsing.

Defendants are arguing that they can’t be prosecuted by someone who’s not legally allowed to prosecute them.

And they’re not wrong.

The courts are so unsure they’re shipping cases over the state line to Pennsylvania just to avoid the constitutional face-melting happening in Jersey.

Meanwhile, Trump and his crew treat the Justice Department like it’s a goddamn family trust.

Appoint your lawyer. Fire the judges. Rewrite the rules. Rinse. Repeat.

This isn’t public service—it’s personal legal insurance.

Habba’s not a prosecutor. She’s Trump’s firewall.

Installed to shield, delay, and distract.

Because if she’s the top cop in New Jersey, guess who won’t be digging into his campaign finance, his real estate shell games, or the dozen shady donors parked outside Mar-a-Lago?

Final Thought?

This isn’t about one appointment.

This is a blueprint.

They are rewriting the rules of prosecutorial legitimacy—in real time, while the courts stall and the Constitution bleeds.

If this stunt holds, the executive can bypass the Senate, steamroll the judiciary, and install any loyalist as a federal prosecutor—as long as they’re willing to cosplay as a deputy for 45 seconds.

It’s a coup in slow motion.

And the only thing standing in its way?

A few overworked judges and the threadbare legal norms Trump didn’t burn to the ground the first time around.

So no, this isn’t “just politics.”

This is institutional sabotage with lipstick and letterhead.

And if we don’t stop pretending this is business as usual, the next U.S. Attorney in your district might be your cousin’s divorce lawyer—as long as they once shook Trump’s hand at a fundraiser.