⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With One Free Waiver Per Felonious Head of State)

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think a convicted felon representing the U.S. on the world stage isn't embarrassing, congratulations—you may already be experiencing the late-stage symptoms of fascism. Please do not operate heavy machinery while under this level of national delusion.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS—Felon of the United States—gets waved into the G7 summit by Canada on a “public policy exemption.”

That’s right.

Under normal Canadian law, he wouldn’t be allowed in.

But they made an exception—just for him.

Because apparently, the man who tried to overthrow his own government gets diplomatic immunity with a side of maple syrup.

So what does our boy do once he crosses the border?

Immediately starts shitting on the furniture.

First, he walks into a global summit meant to project unity—and starts praising Putin.

Yes. Because nothing says “we’re all in this together” like giving a verbal handjob to the guy who’s been arming every enemy in the room.

Second, he gets confused and says—wait for it—that the UK is part of the European Union.

Let me repeat that for the folks in the back: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

DOES NOT KNOW THAT BREXIT HAPPENED.

The UK left the EU in 2020.

It was on the goddamn news.

It was on his news.

Hell, he celebrated it.

So either he forgot, or his brain is now just a cluttered bingo hall filled with half-eaten Filet-O-Fish wrappers and grievances from 2015.

Then, when the other leaders tried to get him to sign a joint statement condemning Iran’s escalation?

He refused.

Because he didn’t want to “overcomplicate matters.”

You know what’s complicated?

Trying to explain to a man with nuclear launch authority that not all Middle Eastern countries are the same.

That condemning violence isn’t “partisan.”

And that maybe—just maybe—international diplomacy isn’t a fucking episode of The Apprentice.

And then—poof!

He leaves.

Mid-summit.

Cites “tensions in the Middle East.”

Because suddenly, after doing jack shit on the issue for weeks, he decides to go full Action Figure and rush back to Washington.

But I’ve got a question.

Did he leave because of the crisis?

Or did he leave because Mark Carney, the Prime Minister of Canada, cut off his mic and told him to get the hell out before the exemption clock ran out?

Because let’s be real.

He was in Canada on borrowed time.

A convicted felon, playing dress-up as a statesman.

And when the locals realized he was pissing in the punch bowl and calling it foreign policy, they probably said: “Thank you for your attendance, Mister President.  Please collect your gaffes and GTFO.”

So what do we have here?

A president too ignorant to know where his closest allies stand, too petty to support a unified response to international conflict, and too fragile to finish a goddamn conference.

But don’t worry, folks—he got back to the States just in time to give another speech about “America’s global leadership.”

From behind bulletproof glass, surrounded by lawyers, and on his third Diet Coke of the day.

We may never know why he left early.

Maybe it was the tension.

Maybe it was the embarrassment.

Maybe it was the Mounties with a stopwatch ticking down his exemption window.

But we do know this: The world saw it.

The cameras caught it.

And history will remember it.

As the time the President of the United States had to be let into Canada on a waiver and still managed to fuck it up.