(SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER: This is a work of political outrage and protected opinion. No citations. No bullet points. No apologies. If you want something gentle, go read Robert Frost.)
Ladies and gentlemen, congregants of the Church of Shared Exasperation, let’s revisit one of George Carlin’s most enduring insights about humanity:
“People are stupid, people are full of shit, and people are fucking nuts.”
Most folks luck out with just one.
Dan Quayle? He famously hit the trifecta—a full house of human malfunction.
But today we are here to talk about Texas. And Texas, bless its God-guns-gravy-and-grievance heart, has assembled a whole leadership roster where each one specializes in a different category.
Greg Abbott?
Stupid. Not in the “poor fella” way—no, no. Stupid in the “put your hand on a hot stove to prove the liberals wrong” way.
Ken Paxton?
Full of shit. A man so overflowing with legal manure he could open a fertilizer factory and still have surplus.
And the SB10 Bible-thumping spiritual hall monitors?
Fucking nuts. The kind of nuts where you start wondering if someone replaced their drinking water with communion wine cut with kerosene.
These three factions, ladies and gentlemen, form the Unholy Trinity of Texas Governance: The Father, the Son, and What the Holy Hell Are You Doing?
Because Texas—not content with banning books, bullying queer kids, and turning history class into a patriotic hostage note—decided the next big idea was forcing their version of the Ten Commandments into every public classroom.
Every.
Single.
One.
Not as curriculum. Not as history. Not as some dusty poster nobody notices behind the fire extinguisher.
No. As a mandatory, state-endorsed religious proclamation. Like Moses meets Hobby Lobby meets a megachurch bathroom sign.
And shocker of shockers: Federal judges keep swatting them down like flies at a church picnic.
Judge Fred Biery: “No, Texas, this is unconstitutional.”
Judge Orlando Garcia: “Take the damn things down by December 1, or I’m sending the bailiff with a step stool.”
And what does Paxton do?
What does the Attorney General—the lawyer for the state—do when the courts declare his crusade illegal?
He sues the school districts…for obeying the injunction.
That’s not governance. That’s what you get when a toddler learns the word “NO” and uses it as a political philosophy.
Paxton goes on TV calling these districts “rogue.” Rogue?
They’re complying with federal law, you bloated sack of evangelical entitlement. They’re the only adults in the damn building.
And then we have the plaintiffs—actual Texas families—who are like: “Hi, we’re Jewish. This isn’t even the right version of the Ten Commandments. Stop forcing your theology on our kids.”
Suddenly the whole “heritage” excuse collapses like a folding chair at a Baptist cookout.
Because if your “neutral historical display” contradicts actual Jewish teaching?
It’s not heritage. It’s proselytizing with extra lemon and a side of vomit.
Here’s the kicker: Texas isn’t outlawing federal agents. Texas isn’t banning scripture. Texas could put Bible verses on every bathroom stall in the Capitol if they wanted.
But public schools? Children who aren’t Christian? A religious text mandated by the state?
That’s where the First Amendment kicks down the door with steel-toed boots screaming: “ABSOLUTELY NOT, YOU IGNORANT GOD-BOTHERING DINGBATS.”
And every time it happens, Abbott and Paxton get this confused look like someone just explained gravity to them.
Then the real comedy arrives: Paxton insists he’s not forcing anything. He’s “respecting tradition.”
Bull. Shit.
If the tradition you’re defending is “forcing everyone else to follow your religion,” congratulations: You’ve reinvented the Taliban with barbecue sauce.
And before anyone says “You’re just anti-GOP,” listen carefully: These rants? These monologues? This finely aged barrel-proof profanity?
They’re not anti-Republican.
They’re anti-criminal, anti-theocratic, anti-authoritarian bullshit.
It’s not my fault the modern GOP has more grifters, scammers, cult flunkies, constitutional illiterates, sexual hypocrites, and performative pearl-clutching zealots than a televangelist telethon.
The minute another party starts cranking out this much nonsense at this volume? I’ll roast them too.
But until Republicans stop breaking laws, stop abusing power, stop shoving religion where it doesn’t belong, and stop acting like kindergarteners hopped up on scripture-flavored Pixy Stix…
Yeah. It’s gonna keep being them.
Texas wants a theocracy. Federal judges keep telling them to sit down. And the rest of us get to watch as Abbott, Paxton, and the Holy Lunatic Choir try to rewrite the Constitution with a crayon.
In conclusion—and I speak here in the spirit of George Carlin, patron saint of the fed-up:
Stupid…
Full of shit…
Fucking nuts.
One each. Perfectly distributed. Like a doomsday sampler platter.
Amen.
Pass the lawsuits.