Disclaimer: This is satire. This is comedy. This is righteous profanity with a purpose. If you clutch pearls, please return them to the Victorian museum you stole them from.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather up. Bring popcorn. Bring a mop.

Because we are about to witness the most pathetic display of authoritarian cosplay since the last time FOTUS opened his mouth and words fell out like wet laundry.

Two stories this week — TWO — and every one of them screams the same thing: This guy wants to be a dictator so bad he can taste it, but he keeps tripping over his own damn shoelaces.

Let’s start with the CNN lawsuit.

He sued them because they called his election denial “The Big Lie.” A phrase used by historians, journalists, political scientists, your grandmother, that guy at Costco, and anyone with a pulse.

And what happened?

The Eleventh Circuit smacked his case out of the air like it was a horny mosquito. Eight pages of judicial “Oh, sweetie… no.”

Two of the judges were his appointees.

HIS people.

People he picked.

People he assumed would be loyal to him like the world’s dumbest Sith Lords.

And even THEY said: “Your case is meritless.”

MERITLESS.

Judicial for “Bless your heart, you sad little man.”

They explained — slowly, using small words — that CNN didn’t say he was Hitler.

 He just heard the word “lie” and immediately assumed it was about him. Like the world’s most fragile Roomba.

Speaking of fragile…Let’s talk about ABC.

A reporter asks him — politely — about Epstein.

And FOTUS responds like a toddler who found out Santa’s not real: “Take their license away!”

Sure thing, Pumpkin. Right after we revoke gravity.

This man is screaming into cameras that the FCC should yank ABC’s broadcast licenses because he didn’t like a QUESTION.

A QUESTION.

You know who does that?

Dictators.

Thin-skinned dictators.

Tiny-thumbs authoritarian wannabes who read the first two pages of ‘How to Be a Strongman’ and fell asleep drooling on the table.

And here’s the best part: He CAN’T DO IT.

Ajit Pai told him in 2017, “You don’t have that authority.”

The law says no. The FCC says no. Reality says no.

But that doesn’t stop him. Because in his head, he thinks he’s President Forever, Emperor of the Airwaves, God-King of Cable Packages.

And now — NOW — he’s got the Department of Justice behind him. Not the whole thing, mind you. Just the parts that haven’t been fired for having this annoying thing called ethics.

And those poor bastards are out here swinging lawsuits like wet pool noodles because the Boss says: “Sic ‘em!”

And they HAVE to. Because that’s who’s left. The ethical ones got purged, and the remainder run on fear, caffeine, and whatever dark magic keeps Stephen Miller animated.

And don’t forget the moment from the other day — his little whisper to America: “Quiet, piggy, piggy.”

Who the hell says that? What cartoon villain audition did he wander away from? That’s not politics — that’s what you say right before a barnyard horror movie.

This is the President of the United States, and he’s talking to the country like a drunk butcher taunting livestock.

And the whole time, you can see the desperation oozing out of him like orange syrup:

He wants to crush CNN.

But he can’t.

He wants to crush ABC.

But he can’t.

He wants to crush comedians, journalists, critics, rivals, reality — and he can’t.

Because here’s the ugly secret: He sucks at being a dictator.

He has the impulses.

He has the ego.

He has the cruelty.

He has the insecurity.

He has the tiny hands for waving angrily at clouds.

But he doesn’t have the competence.

If he were even 10% smarter, we’d all be living in bunkers by now. But luckily, he’s a mall-cop Mussolini — a bargain-bin Berlusconi — waddling around with authoritarian ambitions and the execution skills of a dropped Jell-O salad.

And now, as FOTUS?

He doesn’t even have to pay the lawyers anymore. YOU do. The DOJ foots the bill for his tantrums. We’re funding his vendettas. We’re subsidizing his ego.

Congratulations, America. You’ve become the world’s most expensive therapy session.

And the punchline?

He still loses.

Over and over. Loudly. Publicly. Embarrassingly.

He’s not a strongman. 

He’s a strong-whimper.

A man who wants absolute power but keeps getting body-checked by the Constitution, the courts, and basic literacy.

And here’s the real danger: Someday, someone competent might try the same shit.

 And then we’re cooked.

But for now? We’re stuck with this clown.

A dictator who can’t dictate.

An autocrat who can’t autocrat.

A tyrant who can’t even get past the tutorial level.

And thank God for that.