⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER:
Welcome to another episode of “Authoritarian Tantrums and the Billionaire Man-Baby Who Throws Them.” If you’re allergic to fascism, lawsuits-as-weapons, or billionaires who think revenge is a governing strategy, you might need a double dose of antihistamines and bourbon. Also, for the lawyers in the back—this is satire. Blistering, pointed, entirely constitutionally protected satire. Grab your popcorn.
You ever notice how every time the Current Occupant of the Oval Office—FOTUS, First of That Unholy Stench—doesn’t get his way, he turns into the pettiest, most vengeful PTA mom in human history?
No, really. He’s like the suburban Karen who wasn’t picked to run the bake sale, so now she’s suing the school, pulling funding from the soccer team, and getting her cult of minivans to tailgate the principal.
This week’s episode of “How Dare You Defy Me!” features our favorite democracy-eroding despot throwing yet another hissy fit—this time at the Los Angeles Dodgers. Why? Because they… wait for it… denied access to ICE agents during a Juneteenth event and support women and people of color. You know, stuff the Supreme Court used to call “equal protection.” Now, Stephen Miller’s hate-fueled sock puppet group—America First Legal—is accusing them of “reverse discrimination.” Because of course they are. Diversity gives these people hives.
But this isn’t just a one-off. Oh no, sugar—this is a pattern. A spite spiral. A vendetta parade in three acts and a clown nose. Don’t like FOTUS’s orders? You get:
- Harvard, slapped with grant freezes and visa threats because they didn’t toss DEI and students under the bus fast enough.
- Maine, stripped of federal funds because they wouldn’t ban trans kids from sports.
- The University of Virginia, forced to scalp their president like it's Game of Thrones: Woke Edition.
- Columbia River salmon restoration, torched like a rainforest because it made dam-removal look too logical.
- Science grants? Gone.
- Clean energy funds? Nuked.
- Media outlets that mention climate change or diversity without vomiting on the floor? Subpoenaed or investigated.
- And now? The fucking Dodgers. Because nothing says “limited government” like suing a baseball team over their HR department.
This isn't policy. This isn't leadership. This is psychotic retribution with a PAC budget and a permanent grievance complex. It's Nixon with Wi-Fi and fewer coherent sentences.
And it’s not just FOTUS. It’s the whole crusty chorus line of Christian nationalist crybabies who run on three things: resentment, victimhood, and performance art lawsuits. They’re not here to govern. They’re here to punish you for making them feel uncomfortable. For existing without their permission.
That’s not strength. That’s fascism in a Hello Kitty backpack.
They say power reveals. And boy, it revealed that these people have the moral courage of a bowl of warm mayonnaise and the ethics of a hedge fund shaped like a flaming swastika.
So here’s the warning, America: this isn’t the long arm of the law—it’s the petty little finger of a wannabe tyrant, jabbing at everything he can’t control and suing the rest. If you think you’re safe because you’re not Harvard or the Dodgers or a fish, you’ve missed the point.
He’s not just coming for them.
He’s coming for you.
And when he does, the question won’t be “Did you resist?”
It’ll be “Did you laugh at him hard enough before the subpoenas arrived?”
Batter up.
