DISLCAIMER (THE BIG ANGRY KIND): Professional outrage ahead. This is satire, not legal advice. No citations, no footnotes, no soothing charts. Profanity deployed with intent to harm. If you’re allergic to yelling, hypocrisy exposure, or watching tyrants get pantsed by federal judges, turn back now.
Welcome to November in America, where pumpkin spice is in the air, leaves are crunching underfoot, and the courts are kicking FOTUS in the ass like it’s a national pastime.
I swear, this administration has lost so many lawsuits this month that PACER should start offering a frequent-flyer program.
Let’s take a tour, shall we? Hop in the Felonious Clown Car. Yes, it’s leaking oil. Yes, the gasket blew around Labor Day. No, we’re not stopping.
First stop: New York, where a federal judge looked at the administration’s lawsuit against the Protect Our Courts Act — the one where FOTUS wanted ICE agents to be allowed to lurk outside courthouses like gremlins with zip-ties — and she said:
“No. No, really. NO. Sit down.”
She wrote 41 pages explaining in calm, judicial English that New York is allowed to stop federal agents from snatching people off courthouse steps like they’re running a Black Friday sale on deportations.
And the administration’s argument? “This violates the Tenth Amendment!”
New York’s answer? “No, sweetheart. That’s you violating the Tenth Amendment.”
Judge D’Agostino practically patted their heads, handed them juice boxes, and sent them home.
Next stop: California, where DOJ is suing over the new congressional map — AFTER red states like Texas, Missouri, and Indiana stitched together districts shaped like snakes having seizures.
But now the Justice Department cares about “racial gerrymanders.”
Not when Republicans did it.
Not when minorities were being cracked and packed like discount furniture.
But when California does a partisan gerrymander?
CALL THE LAWYERS!
The hypocrisy is so obvious it should qualify as a geological feature.
And bonus round: federal courts already said decades ago that partisan gerrymandering is kosher, but racial gerrymandering is not.
California did a partisan gerrymander — loud, proud, and with confetti cannons.
So DOJ’s argument is: “Your Honor, they’re using race! Because, uh… the lines look… Hispanic?”
The courts: “Do you think we were born yesterday? Get out.”
They are going to lose so hard the ruling will leave skid marks.
Swing down to the immigration courts, where everything the administration touches turns into a Fourth Amendment crime scene.
ICE is out here scooping up American citizens and adding them to their DNA databases like they’re Pokemon cards. A judge sees that and immediately reaches for the constitutional fire extinguisher.
You can practically hear the judiciary screaming: “HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THAT A WARRANT IS NOT OPTIONAL?”
The founders didn’t fight a revolution for “general warrants, but make them digital.”
But this administration sure thinks they did.
Oh, and the SNAP shutdown fights?
Two different judges have already smacked the federal government for trying to starve families because FOTUS is throwing a tantrum.
It’s like watching a toddler try to argue constitutional law while eating paste.
Every time the administration files a brief, a judge somewhere sighs deep enough to cause coastal erosion.
Of course now that the government is funded again, the cases are essentially moot, but still, it literally took an Act of Congress to pull FOTUS’s ass out of the fire on this one.
Then there’s SCOTUS refusing to resurrect Kim Davis’ dream of legal discrimination.
Even this Supreme Court — THIS ONE — said, “Nah, we’re good.” When they turn you away, you know your case is deader than Trump University.
And don’t forget the MAGA election lawsuits. Oh my GOD, these filings.
Judges have been sending them back like: “This isn’t a lawsuit. This is a Mad Lib with delusions of grandeur.”
One judge politely suggested that the filing was “a press release stapled to a tantrum.”
Another basically said, “Have you tried not being stupid?”
THE META-RULE OF NOVEMBER
Every courtroom in America that isn’t already owned by the Federalist Society is treating this administration like a raccoon loose in a Wendy’s.
“STOP BREAKING THINGS. STOP LYING. STOP SETTING STUFF ON FIRE. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT. GET OUT.”
It sounds like a discussion with a three-year-old!
The only reason any of their nonsense survives is because everything eventually flows upward to the Supreme Court, where six robed ideologues stand ready with constitutional Febreze to make the authoritarian stench smell “originalist.”
THE BOTTOM LINE
The administration keeps losing because they keep trying to do illegal shit.
Not complicated illegal shit.
Not clever illegal shit.
Not “Hollywood heist, twelve steps ahead” illegal shit.
No.
They keep doing loud, stupid, obvious illegal shit.
And the courts — god bless their overworked, underpaid souls — are running out of polite words for: “Are you kidding me with this?”