⚠️ Disclaimer: What follows is satire in the style of George Carlin. If you’re looking for a gentle Maine sea breeze of moderation, tough luck. This is more like a nor’easter with teeth. ⚠️

Yesterday we mentioned that Susan Collins found herself a beard in Jeanne Shaheen so she could write a strongly worded letter about USAID food aid rotting in warehouses and contraceptives getting trashed instead of shipped. Strongly worded letter. Oh boy. That’s her trademark move, folks. The world burns, kids starve, women lose rights, and Susan fucking Collins drafts… a stern memo. Somebody get her a participation trophy made out of moose shit.

But let’s roll the tape. Susan Collins has been doing this decades. Always the same script: “I’m deeply troubled,” “I’m very concerned,” “This raises questions.” You know what it never raises? Her vote.

2005: She votes to confirm John Roberts as Chief Justice, the man who personally sharpened the knife used to gut the Voting Rights Act. Did she worry? Oh, she was concerned.

2006: Samuel Alito. Confirmed with her blessing. Roe v. Wade already trembling in the corner like a kid hiding from the school bully. Susan Collins? “I am confident he will respect precedent.” Yeah. That worked out.

2017: Betsy DeVos. The Education Secretary who thought public schools were for losers and grizzlies. Collins put on her serious face, wrung her hands, and voted against her—only because Mitch McConnell gave her the hall pass. He already had the numbers. Susan gets to look good back in Bangor while DeVos sharpened the axe for your kid’s classroom.

2018: Brett Kavanaugh. The beer-loving, rage-snorting frat boy who came with a rap sheet of red flags. Collins gave that sanctimonious speech about “presumption of innocence” and voted him right onto the Court. Weeks later? She told the press she was confident Roe was safe. Again. Jesus Christ, lady, are you this gullible or do you think we are?

2020: Amy Coney Barrett. Oh, she voted against her, right? Sure. But only after the GOP already had the votes. Mitch once again let her play “moderate in Maine” while Barrett got the keys to women’s uteruses.

Cabinet? Collins greenlit Wilbur Ross, who slept through Commerce hearings, and Steve Mnuchin, the foreclosure king. She supported Bill Barr, the AG who acted more like Trump’s mob lawyer than the nation’s top cop. And when the Department of Government Efficiency started shredding public services, where the hell was she? Writing another letter, probably.

And don’t forget 2017, the Obamacare Repeal Olympics. Collins huffed, puffed, played the indecisive moderate. Voted against repeal at the last minute—but only after McConnell let her. She got to play hero, while millions sat terrified of losing their coverage because her party spent months running the country through a meat grinder.

This is Susan Collins: a professional waffler, a career concern-monger, a woman who has never met a disaster she couldn’t observe from the safe distance of a “yes, but with reservations” vote. She’s not a moderate; she’s a rubber stamp dipped in maple syrup.

Every time she says “I’m troubled,” America gets fucked. Every time she says “I trust him to respect precedent,” a precedent dies. Every time she writes a letter, kids starve, women lose rights, and billionaires get fatter.

So spare me the “concern,” Susan. Your concern is as useful as a snowblower in July. You’ve had decades to stand up, and all you’ve ever done is sit down and sigh.