⚖️ Legal Disclaimer

 This is satire in the full-throated, pissed-off spirit of George Carlin. If you think the problem here is the language and not the policies, go find a safe space in a civics textbook. This one's for the people wondering how the hell authoritarianism got rebranded as “tough on crime.”

🎤 “The Police State Parade Has a Theme Song Now”

 A George Carlin-Style Rant on Trump’s Latest Cop-Loving EO

So Trump signed a new Executive Order last week—April 28, 2025, for those of you still using calendars instead of bunker blueprints.

It's called:

“Strengthening and Unleashing America’s Law Enforcement to Pursue Criminals and Protect Innocent Citizens.”

Sounds noble, right?

Like a Boy Scouts badge ceremony sponsored by Robocop.

But if you take five seconds and one working brain cell to read between the red-white-and-blue lines, it basically says:

“We’re giving the cops tanks, legal immunity, and instructions to ignore literally anyone who tells them to knock it the f*** off.”

🛡️ Consent Decrees? Gone. Oversight? Who Needs It?

 Used to be, when police departments got caught doing terrible sh*t—

 you know, like murdering people, hiding evidence, stealing cash, texting racist memes—

 the feds would show up and say:

“Hey fellas, maybe stop doing crimes while fighting crime.”

NOW?

Trump’s EO says if federal oversight makes you feel bad, you get to opt out.

 It’s Blue Lives Matter meets The Purge.

You know what you call a police force with no oversight, military gear, and a leader who worships force?

A f*ing army.**

🎖️ The Military Gear Pipeline Is Back, Baby!

 Riot shields? ✅

 Tear gas drones? ✅

 Excess Army gear “loaned” to Mayberry, Ohio? ✅

Because nothing says public safety like putting battlefield weapons in the hands of a guy named Dale who got turned down for mall security but passed the police academy because he could do two pushups and spell “Miranda” without crying.

📜 Legal Immunity for Abuse: Sponsored by Your Tax Dollars!

 If Officer Friendly decides to break your nose with a baton because you made eye contact while brown?

 No problem!

Because now they’re just “doing their job.”

Hell, next time they run someone over in a protest, they’ll get a challenge coin and a voucher for unlimited ammo at Bass Pro Shops.

🧑‍⚖️ Federal Punishment for Local Resistance

 Oh, and if a governor or mayor says:

“Hey, maybe we don’t want to be a fascist hellhole today.”

Trump’s Attorney General gets to sue their asses into oblivion.

Why?

 Because freedom apparently means federal jackboots on every doorstep, unless you’re rich, white, and live in a golf course gated community.

🧨 Final Thought?

 This EO isn’t about fighting crime.

 It’s about fighting dissent.

It’s martial law in drag.

 It’s authoritarianism with a star-spangled codpiece.

 It’s weaponized insecurity wrapped in a flag and sold to you as “protecting the kids.”

But let me ask you:

If the Constitution can be circumvented with riot gear, buzzwords, and Fox News approval ratings...

Then who the f*** are the “innocent citizens” this order’s supposed to protect?

Because if you speak up, march, resist, exist visibly outside the approved parameters?

You’re not innocent anymore.

You’re a target.

And the guys with the tanks just got permission to aim.