⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Immigration Edition: Now With Extra Fees and Fewer Human Rights)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think charging asylum seekers by the year is “fiscal responsibility” and not monetized cruelty, go gargle with razor wire and call it a tax deduction.

So let me get this straight.

We’re charging people to apply for a green card. Not asking for paperwork. Not vetting. Charging.

Thousands of dollars.

 To live here. To work here. To survive.

But wait, that’s not enough—no, no, no. Now we’re slapping a subscription fee on asylum.

 That’s right, it’s Asylum+: Premium Access Only.

You get one traumatized family, one set of bloodstained documents, and now—$1,000 to apply.

 Then $100 a year to keep your trauma active.

 Oh, and if you want to actually eat while you wait?

 That’ll be another $550 for your work permit, sunshine.

And don’t think you’re safe if you’re the one trying to help these people.

Sponsors for unaccompanied kids? $3,500 to apply, $5,000 in government fees. That’s eight thousand five hundred dollars just to say “I’ll take care of the child you locked in a cage.”

What the hell is this?

A border or a luxury spa?

Meanwhile, the guy sitting on his golden toilet in Florida is offering a $5 million “gold card” for immigrants who want to skip the line entirely.

You see that?

If you’re rich, you get an express lane.

 If you’re poor, you get a toll booth every ten feet and a border guard asking for your Venmo.

They say, “We want people who can contribute.”

 Bullshit.

 They want people who already have.

 If your hands are dirty from labor, you’re out.

 But if they’re dirty from laundering cash?

 Welcome to America. Can we pour you a martini?

And let’s talk about what it already costs. A green card? $2,000 if you’re lucky—but that’s just the entry fee. You want the full ride? Tack on another $1,000–$1,500 in paperwork fees, form bundles, and now—get this—a mandatory new version of the medical exam for every applicant. Doesn’t matter if you already did it. Doesn’t matter if your doctor signed off on it last month. Do it again.

Because what’s more American than charging you twice for the same test?

It’s the same damn physical you could get from your family doctor for a hundred bucks—but now it’s gotta be done by a USCIS-approved civil surgeon, and filled out on the new official form, in triplicate, sealed tighter than a Pentagon file. Costs? Anywhere from $400 to $800, depending on how close you are to someone with a conscience.

Citizenship? Almost $900. And that’s before you cough up anything for a lawyer to make sure you don’t get kicked out for using the wrong color ink on your I-400 or get deported for checking the wrong box on Form 67-D.

We’re turning immigration into a pay-to-play scam, like it’s goddamn Monopoly and poor people landed on Boardwalk with nothing but trauma and dreams.

This isn’t about border security.

 This is about keeping poor people out while letting rich assholes buy a front-row seat at the democracy buffet.

You know what we used to do with people who needed help?

 We helped them.

 Now we invoice them.

Welcome to America.

Land of the Fee. Home of the Paid.

Because we don’t want immigrants.

 We want investors.

 We want trophy applicants.

 People who can afford to buy their way in and shut the door behind them.

And if you’re fleeing violence?

 Oppression?

 Famine?

Tough shit, pal. Come back when you’ve got a black card and a good credit score.

This isn’t immigration reform.

 This is a goddamn mugging in slow motion.

The Statue of Liberty’s not lifting her lamp beside the golden door—

 She’s checking your bank account and flipping you off if you don’t have six figures and a notarized 401(k).

End scene.

And if you still think this is about protecting the country?

 Let me know how many terrorists filed Form I-589 in triplicate and paid $100 a year to stay afraid.

This isn’t protection.

It’s extortion, with a flag on top.